okay. i've been sitting here for five minutes waiting for something huge to hit me....doesn't look like that's going to happen. so, i'm going to try the stream of consciousness thing...here we go:

i still haven't received a letter from my brother.
linda is confusing.
i would love to find some cool people to hang out with in boston.
possibly a girlfriend.
i can't wait till ethan and i pull out of sewanee on monday morning.
i'm sure that we will have coffee in hand...not to mention walkie-talkies.
melissa etheridge's voice is fearless.
makes me feel liberated.
being liberated is definately a good thing.
therefore, i like this cd.

ok a story hit me. i will share. chris, ros, nicole, cynthia, and i all went to see "old school" tonight at the SUT. there is a part in the movie where a guy (tank) streaks. well, cowboy (aka david witt) ran up on the stage in front of the screen bare-ass naked. it was hilarious. the whole theatre was roaring. it was classic....

i got a B+ on my melissa ferrick paper. SWEET.
berebitsky said "it tantalizes the reader."
i'm gonna go to bed early.
goodnight all.

i just turned in a 20 page paper for my cognitive research seminar. finals: 1 down, three to go.

we filled out course evaluations in my women's studies class today. i can honestly say that i haven't ever enjoyed a class more. i actually just called the professor to see if she'd be willing to loan me some books to read over the summer.

...speaking of the summer, i only have four more full days here. watch out boston. here i come.

i ended up getting eaten by the bugs at green's view, so i went over to the cross (another lookout point) and did some studying. it was a very nice time...

i came back to my room and got in touch with mitch. we went to the park in chattanooga, where we threw a frisbee around, studied, and watched people. while we were sitting in a coffee shop, i saw a familiar car drive by. i ran out and screamed, "LO!!" she parked and had some coffee with us.lo is really fucking cool. she said she's gonna be in dc this summer and that we should hang out in boston sometime.

so i've gotten so much sun lately. it feels GREAT.

i talked to my mom tonight. she said that she talked with brian. he said that he has no problem with my sexuality. he said, "well, mom. it doesn't really affect me." how cool is that?

i need to get back to work on my paper that's due tomorrow (worth 55% of my grade)...

ANOTHER beautiful day. i'm going to spend the next few hours out at green's view, overlooking the valley. hopefully, i will get a nice little nap in and get some work done as well. i plan on taking a cd player and reflecting on my life..

i've been doing a lot of this reflecting lately. is it because i only have one more year left at sewanee? perhaps...

in the middle of the night, i was woken up by the door connecting mine and rosilyn's rooms. the door was shaking and making an abnormal amount of sound. i don't remember anything else, but i know there had to be more that i was feeling because i thought it was the end of the world.

i hopped outta bed, scared shitless. i walked into ros' room to see what the hell was going on. she was asleep. so, i came back into my room and closed the door. it continued rattling. i was pissed. but SCARED. i just wanted to go back to sleep.

to great surprise, i find out this morning that it was a 4.9 earthquake. the center was really close to my brother's school. wow. how exciting. i've never been in an earthquake before. police say that buildings are being checked and only one gas leak has been reported.

just helped my friend (since preschool--might i add), beth, set up a journal. check it out!

my friend natalie called me last night and told me that she is engaged. i can't believe it. that makes three of my close friends in the next year and a half. there's rosilyn, the roommate, marrying her high school love. then there's meredith, marrying ryan (whom i do not know very well). now, there is natalie, marrying her boyfriend whom i like a lot.

i don't even have a girlfriend. its hard to understand how different my days are compared to theirs. i can't imagine knowing who i'm going to spend the rest of my life with. eeks.

so i am sunburnt. well not the entire me. just the back of my thighs.

i was at the ani difranco site today, and saw that she is going to be playing newport this year. hopefully, melissa, catie, dar, or jonatha will be playing the same day that ani is to make the $50 a day ticket worth it.

i'm gonna go down and do some laundry and start packing up my room a bit. how exciting!!

well hell. i was going to journal about something, but i forgot what it was...

so, i have been amazingly productive tonight. i worked on my research report for about 2 hours. it isn't due until wednesday. impressed?

the day has been great. i'm trying to get the most out of my last week here. my week doesn't look bad at all. thursday and friday are my bad days. but that's just studying for finals. my finals aren't as bad as most people's so i feel too bad to complain. i think that i'm going to stick in a movie and read over some more women's studies readings.

on a much different note, i talked to linda tonight. she confuses the absolute hell out of me. i feel like she is a huge ball of drama waiting to be hurled right into my life. she and jess have talked about breaking up and know its coming, but they are still together. how weird. i'm just going to stop thinking about her. its best...

i think that i'm going to hop on my bike and lay in the sun for a while...it is a gorgeous day.

Scorpio

Horoscope (by Astrocenter.com)
Just because one person is no longer a part of your life does not mean that all people are unreliable. People change, as do situations. It is possible that this person was no longer a healthy influence, in which case the departure is for the best. You're going to have to become more adaptable, dear Scorpio, because there are more changes on the horizon, especially where your career is concerned.

how is my horoscope always so on point? i thought astrology was a pseudoscience...

i'm excited about connections tonight. its the last time that chris, ethan, and i will get to go out before the summer. chris isn't coming back to sewanee next year, so its the last night for this. we are leaving in about 20 minutes. we'll do the whole traditional night in nashville. first there's cafe coco's, then connections (drag show and dancing), then ihop on the way home. i'm going to really miss the three of us hanging out together this summer.

we've been talking a lot lately about mine and ethan's apartment this summer. we are going to get a plastic deer and put it in the middle of our living room. haha. ethan got the image of us drinking in the apartment and lasoo'ing (spell?) it. or just tackling it in general. man. we are just a ridiculus group of people.

me: my nose chris. i'm gonna chop it off
him: hahahah
him: Still sniffly?
him: I'm sorry
me: yes
me: bad
me: its like...i don't know where all this snot is coming from.
me: like where is it in my body?
him: I know what you me
me: there's so much
him: haha
me: haha
him: eventually its gotta run out
me: its like a reservior
me: hahah
me: damn...if it was oil i'd be fucking rich
him: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhahaha
me: haha
me: no shit
him: Maybe one day your snot will be valuable
me: i'd be a millionaire
me: hahaha

i have blown my nose so many times this morning that it is sore. damn.

so, last night was a blast. chris, ethan, and i started out with boom-booms (1/2 tequila 1/2 sprite). you bang them on the table and shot them. vi and carrie came over and hung out some. we drank a LOT of alcohol, went to lambda chi. nothing was happening there, so we went to the pub and then to sigma nu. that was some fun. there was a girl there that i think is bi. she's really cute. i was trying to make eyes, but she and i were both drunk. not sure that worked out so well for me.

in the midst of the craziness of last night, we decided to start a journal together. click here to go to it. should be a good time doing that over the summer when we depart.

connections tonight!

okay. i've changed the look to the site. hope you like...

also, please notice that you can now make comments on specific entries. i will greatly appreciate your comments :)

ethan and i looked up apartments last night. we found a couple in brighton, one in somerville, dorchester, and medford. i wish that we could see them before we sign a lease.

my roommate is CRAZY. she just came in here and started dancing all crazy to my mary j. blige. anyways. i really don't have time to journal. i have to be in class in 10 min and i'm not near ready...

i feel like journaling all day. i don't feel like living my life today. i just want to think about it--hence all the entries today.

dr. lohr and i figured out why i attract people with low self-esteem as friends. its a definate pattern that shows up in my life. the pattern has been especially bothering me lately, as i've noticed low self-esteem in most of my friends. the reasons: i am deep, a good listener, have good advice, see the good in everyone, and simply have a strong personality. when i thought about it, i realized that if i had low self-esteem i would be attracted to a person like myself. it seems that i need to make more friends that can give back to me what i give to them. i let down my walls and am real with people very quickly. this causes them to have to deal with what they see in themselves as well. since most of the people i attract have low self-esteem, they don't really like doing this introspection and flee from my friendship with them.

so all in all, i invest a lot in my friendships only to lose them soon thereafter. since i am in friendships for the long-run, i do not like that this is happening so much. dr. lohr suggested either to stop being so real so fast or to be more aware of if the new friend seemed like a "runner."

my response? my being real open about who i am and what i stand for has helped me build many small friendships at this school. realizing how many people i know has been the key in overcoming the whole "there's the campus lesbian" issue. my having small friendships with a lot of people helped me realize that i actually am helping a lot of people see that you can be gay and still offer a lot to your community.

so, i will continue to put myself in vulnerable positions and try to be more aware of when a perspective friendship looks invaluable to me.

thank goodness. the cramps are being hampered by the meds...

i have one more latin class for the rest of my life. hell yeah.

louie crew, the founder of integrity (GLBT association within the episcopal church), was here earlier this week. i was lucky enough to have dinner with him on tuesday and hear him talk at the school of theology later that night. he had me and mitch get up and speak about the gay-straight alliance for some time. we fielded some questions and such. i did a great job at making people laugh. terry, a gay theolog, said that he could not make it to class on time wednesday morning. everyone was stopping him and telling him how much they enjoyed hearing from us. yesterday, they invited us back for a luncheon to honor students and see louie crew off. i felt so proud when three out of about 10 awards went to gay theology students. terry got one and elizabeth (don't know her; she came out while i was speaking the night before) got two. how amazing. the episcopal church very well could start doing same-sex marriages this summer, louie said. i really like the episcopal church. if i ever resort back to a religion, i think i would be called to the episcopal church.

blue-hair girl, aka andy, was at coco's last night. she and i made eye contact for the longest time when she walked in. it was odd. she got some food and sat down at the table directly to the side of me. when she looked up, she was looking at me. i didn't talk to her. what an idiot.

i'm off to get some b'fast and then to see dr. lohr. we are having another women's center dinner tonight :)

we've been going to cafe coco's in nashville a lot lately to do school work. it has been nice. i went there to study for a latin exam last week and did not actually study latin. i did get some other work done though. and...i made an astonishing 85 on the exam. i have no idea how i managed. i don't really feel like i know what the aeneid is about. oh well. i'll take my b and run with it.

i am having really bad cramps this morning. it has been quite some time since i've actually felt my cramps. i've gotten good at popping pills early on. these pills aren't really working....eeks

chris has gotten really distant lately. its as if he doesn't even go to this school anymore. he acts as if nothing has changed. weird.

ethan and i are planning on leaving for boston next sunday morning!! how exciting. we are going to get a uhaul reserved and get a hitch put on his car this weekend. then, we're going to secure an apartment early next week. i'm so excited about getting back up there. i am obviously tired of sewanee. nashville has been calling my name every night.

the conversation with my brother went really well. i started by asking him about the letters...why i have not gotten any. i told him that the school can make him write two letters a week, but under his circumstances with all four immediate family members in different houses, that does not work too well. his reaction? indicated that what i was saying was rational. excuses, more excuses. "i do not want to hear any excuses, because essentially, you are making excuses not to have relationships with your sisters." he replied, "ok," and stopped the excuses.

i told him that i felt manipulated when he tried to give excuses. that i do not trust him. i brought up the positive drug test. he got very mad and moved around in his seat a lot when i brought it up--an obvoius anxious response. he said, "everyone has turned on me. first it was the treatment team, then mom and dad, and now you." i told him that it was very sad that i could not feel anything but manipulated when he said that. that i thought him comment was said to strike a feeling of guilt in me. i established the facts: he went home for parent support, there were unsupervised pills that break down into morphine at my mom's house, he went back to school, he tested positive for morphine. how in the world was i to believe him? that he didn't take the pills? especially with the history that has lead me not trusting him?! he understood, but said, "the only people that haven't turned on me are the group members. they said that i should do what i have to do. if i didn't take the pills, not to say that i did just to build trust." i told him that i felt manipulated again. that he was just using that situation to make me see him in a helpless situation and feel bad about pressing the issue. he told me that the drug test was not reliable. i told him that i was going to research it. he told me that i would find that it wasn't reliable. i told him, "DON'T tell me what i'm going to find. let me find it. you are saying that because it benefits your situation right now, in this conversation!" it got nasty..

we were interrupted. thank goodness.

i talked with the family social worker during the interruption. he said that there was a small percentage of a chance that the test was wrong. but they tested brian twice to make up some of that chance. both times-positive. a few days later-negative. he took the pills. no doubt about it. i wished he would stop lying, but decided that i might as well drop the whole drug test topic from our conversation. we were not going to get anywhere with it.

we continued conversation. i apologized for it getting nasty and that i should have changed topics because it was going nowhere. he said it was ok.

i told him that it was beside the point as to whether he took the drugs while at home. the point is that he will be in less supervised situations when he gets out of treatment. the real issue: what makes him feel like he has to take drugs to get by?...school. i told him that i can imagine how hard it has been on him, following myself and my sister (two very academic intellectuals). that i thought it was hard following just my sister. that i couldn't imagine both of us. especially with the unfortunate adhd and learning disabilities, that were not his fault. that he could not control those things. they were just unfortunate. it just as easily could have been me or debbi enduring those hardships.

i told him that school isn't for everyone. that he is great with kids. that he has his own talents that just don't happen to be the same ones that debbi and i have. and that doesn't lessen him as a person. he has what he is good at; we have what we are good at. no one is going to judge him for his choices of carreers. that its all about finding his niche--what he is good and is happy doing. if that is working at a day care--GREAT. i will be proud, as will the rest of the family. i told him not to measures his success through societal lenses. its all about his happiness. he just has to get through school first. that's all. get through it.

he was encouraged. we talked about kids for some time. i feel really good. i have never seen him movitated to that level.

the final topic of conversation was my sexuality. i came out to him and it felt MAGNIFICENT. we were cut off just after i came out to him, but he seemed to take it very well. i told him that if there was anything he wanted to know/had questions about, to let me know in that letter that i am expecting in a couple weeks.

we went back to the group, where my mom and dad said their goodbyes. they left the room and my brother walked over to where i was sitting, crying. i stood up and gave him a huge hug. he cried on my shoulder. it sounded heavenly. the best sound i have heard in a very long time. like music to my ears. he has causes me so many tears in the past year, and until now i had yet to hear him breakdown. it was amazing. describing it in words is not doing it justice. how could i describe the most beautiful thing i have ever heard? no words. no phrases. its a feeling. a feeling deep within.

i told him that i love him. he told me that he loves me. we hugged again. he cried some more. i cried some more. we broke again. i told him, "you know what? keep putting the goal to 'improve your relationship with your sister' on your weekly list. put it there. but write me from now on. work on that goal. don't let it go by the wayside."

i will not see him again for 5 months or so as i am moving to boston before the next parent support. i miss him already. i really hope that i get some letters. and i think i will. i actually feel like i can let my hopes rise a little....

i have to get something off my mind before i leave.

linda called yesterday. she said that she was having a day where she just wanted to cry. she said she was in a tough spot. she thinks that she got with jess just because she thought it was the right thing to do. that it really wasn't what she wanted. she said that she always feels like she has to give things a chance (sound like an earlier post when i talked about the pattern in her life?), and that she doesn't think that is always the best thing to do. not everything deserves a chance. she asked if i agreed...i said yes. she said that she doesn't feel that she can leave jess right now. that she is in tight spot. jess is going through a lot (i.e. sick friend). our conversation was cut really short.

i got an email last night from her. she said "thank you for being so great. i needed a smile today." we'll see what happens. i'm definately not getting my hopes up. too much danger in that.

i'm about to leave. i have coffee in my hand, cds ready to go, and a full tank of gas. oh boy. i really hope he doesn't disappoint me...

i'm off to huntsville early tomorrow morning. hopefully a lot of the issues with my brother will be worked through. i feel good about the place that i am right now. i have been working on a very deep, intuitive level lately, which should be good tomorrow. hopefully, he will not be able to manipulate me.

i am, obviously, very tired. will journal about it when i return tomorrow night.

so i talked with my ex, jaquita, today for some time. she sent me some recent pictures of her. she has changed so much-physically as well as emotionally. if you saw her picture, you would easily understand what i mean. she is so guarded. ros could not even believe that it was her in the picture. ros said, "she doesn't even look nice. is she happy. did she forget how to smile. man she really turned into a lesbian."

i am definately not attracted to her anymore on the purely physical terms of attraction, anyways. it was nice talking with her regardless--a very good conversation.

i just woke up from a two hour nap. what a nice feeling. now i'm hungry, don't know if i should cook some spaghetti, go to mcclurg, or find something to eat down the mountain--what a big decision. it feels monsterous.

the meeting with mr. benjamin was phenomenal. the following is what keeps me going in my activist ways here at sewanee:

Stacey,

Let's make sure we stay in-touch next semester. If you have any
needs with which I can help in the interim, give me a call or stop by my
office. You have a special power within you and I believe others recognize
it as well. Although I am sure much of the attention you refer to is
because of your public stance as a lesbian; much more of the attention than
you suspect may be due to your courage as a free, thinking, liberated,
woman. This can be a challenge to males and even some females, no matter
your orientation. Your courage may be your greatest attribute.

Yours,
Mr. B.

its so nice to feel like your work is appreciated/acknowledged...

the test went fine. i probably got another C on it. that's actually okay with me. i'm glad i didn't take it seriously.

i've been thinking about linda a lot over the past 24 hours. it frustrates me that we aren't going to be able to give "us" a chance when i am there this summer. i only have three more weeks till that point. i'm done with finals on the 3rd.

i've been in the biggest ani difranco mood lately. its been one ani cd to the next...i don't think i'll ever get tired of her.

we had our afc hearing for gsa this morning. it went really well. we budgeted for a safe space campaign, a diversity retreat, catie curtis, louie crew, and national coming out day. hopefully, they will be able to give us most of the funds we asked for.

i'm meeting with the african american alliance/minority affairs contact, mr. benjamin, today for coffee. we are going to discuss the gsa's eagerness to be allies with the african american alliance, but how the gsa feels tension from a lot of the AAA's members. hopefully, we will come up with ways to build an ally network between the two groups next year. i am also the women's center activism coordinator, which means that i am the contact between women's center and AAA as well. should be a very productive meeting. i like mr. b a lot...

i have the third (of four) latin test on the aeneid today. i haven't studied any of the material that we have to translate from latin to english. i don't know what my problem is. i have never been so apathetic about something academic in my life.

haven't been in a journaling mood lately. here goes an attempt to journal in a not-journaling mood.

i went home this past weekend. it was a lot of fun. things with my mom were not weird at all. i simply had to stop thinking about how she knows what i do with girls in bed. i overcame that quickly. ethan even said that it seemed like our interaction was more fluent.

i realized tonight that $80 was stolen from my room. we have been having problems with this lately and have started locking our doors; however, money is still being taken. i left a little note for the thief. hope s/he enjoys ;)

i added a little more of the conversation with my ex just before i made this post. be sure you check that out. it makes the conversation a little more frustrating. can you sense my frustration with her these days?

i am tired of my brother's situation.

damn! this night sucks. i am now hunting for a mccrady bug (mutant catepillar-looking thing). they have like 100 legs. no joke.

well shit. ros and i were talking and the damn mutant crawled up the wall in front of my desk. i shrieked really loud. it was classic, but i feel like explaining it wouldn't be all that funny.

as i was saying...i'm tired of my bro's stuff. we have a parent support on saturday...otherwise, i really don't feel like wasting the time typing about it.

linda has been calling me a lot lately. they had a work dinner/theatre night last night and linda brought me into the conversation. there was about 10 minutes of talk about me she said. the head of the program was asking questions as to figure out if linda and i are/were together. linda said, "i didn't tell them. its fun to keep them guessing." she has a gf mind you. i'm totally confused. perhaps her and jess aren't doing well. who knows. i will probably ask her the next time i talk to her.

i'm off to bed. maybe i will have dreams that do not involve mccrady bugs...

conversation with my ex tonight:

me: i would like to talk to you
her: what do u wanna talk about?
me: i don't know...just to catch up
her: oh
me: i just wish we could be friends
me: but it doesn't really seem like you want much to do w/me...
her: i consider you a friend
me: but we never talk
me: its always short
her: yeah but we both have so much goin on and we are so diff
me: but you were my world for 2 years
me: and now i never talk to you
her: i was your world?
me: i can make time for you jaq
me: yes you were
her: thats very sweet of you to say
me: i really wish that we could get back on regular talking terms
me: i miss you tremendously
her: *smiles*
me: you mean a lot to me....i feel like something is missing w/out you
her: i dont know what to say
me: just please don't make excuses for why we don't talk...there isn't an excuse good enough. i'm going to stop making them.
her: ok i understand
me: you are such a part of me...i can't ignore that.
me: i tried to ignore it...
me: for a while...now i just feel like i'm lacking something.
me: like i've lost those two years (or something like that) b/c i don't talk to you anymore
me: like it was just the past....nothing more.
me: and i don't want you to be that...
me: ok i will shutup now
her: u dont have to shut up
her: im reading every word you type
me: is it making sense?
me: can you feel what i'm saying?
her: yes it is
her: yes i can
me: you are an amazing person, and i want you in my life in some way....
her: thank you
me: i want to develop a real, meaningful relationship with you. a deep one. so that we will always stay in touch
me: i can't loose you from my life
me: it meant too much
her: we will always keep in touch
me: well...
me: ok :-)
me: i really miss you
me: i wish you were here. we could play nintendo haha
her: lol
me: and we could laugh w/ros
her: true
me: damn
me: well....let me know when we can talk (phone)
me: i guess i'll let you go now
me: you there?
her: yes im here
her: went to the restroom
me: ah
me: well
her: well what?
me: nothing
me: you don't ever say much
her: no tell me
me: i'm down.
her: why?
me: i don't know...
me: ugh
me: i'm frustrated
her: why are you frustrated
me: b/c you aren't saying much
me: of anything at all
me: its like you have disconnected yourself from your emotions...
her: i dont know what to say
me: you are not the emotional/feeling jaquita that i knew
me: its like you have turned off all your feeling/compassion
me: you've become numb
her: i feel things
me: to everything as far as i can tell. and that frustrates me...then it makes me sad (once i get over the frustration)
me: well...you have hardened yourself up
me: its like you're afraid to show that you feel stuff
her: yes in a way yes
me: even to me.
me: you can't even show me
me: and that hurts
me: i feel like you aren't letting me in
her: no not to u
me: you have the cage now
me: and i can't break through
her: im sorry
her: maybe we can talk tomorrow on the phone
me: why can't you let me back in?
me: what are you afraid of?
her: all i can do is try my best
me: i spilled my guts earlier...you hardly said anything. i'm tired of the relationship and how its going now
her: i said that we can talk tomorrow
me: i want to talk to you so often. but i know that if i do, you will be short with me.
me: and it will be over with before 5 min is up
me: ok
me: well i'm going to bed.
her: ok goodnight
me: ugh
me: night

i have to write this lab report by 8 am tomorrow morning. i don't feel like it. i have so much on my mind--my brother being the main thing. i feel that i need to write him a letter. school seems to be doing nothing but getting in the way of my life these days.

i been getting down
about all the run around
about all the pushing
and the standing in line
but like my friends say
you gotta do it anyways
and it just gets harder
when you're asked why

and i'm tired from all the weight
i'm tired of being strong
so won't you come and stay
and let me lay
down in your arms
down in your arms

i've been getting up early
i've been getting my coffee
i've been getting in the car and driving
all over town
talking to myself
while i'm taking off my seat belt
some people don't know
how to slow down

and i'm tired from all the weight
i'm tired of being strong
so won't you come and stay
and let me lay
down in your arms
down in your arms

i've got a troubled
a troubled mind
and you're got a heart
a heart so kind
so kind

so pack an overnight bag
don't worry about what you have
'cause if you need something
you can just use mine
and you don't have to promise
more than you want to
but if you want to see me
this would be a good time

'cause i'm tired from all the weight
i'm tired of being strong
so won't you come and stay
and let me lay
down in your arms
down in your arms

"troubled mind" -- catie curtis

the last post was my mood after interviewing/seeing melissa ferrick. she got to me--made me rethink my life, where i am, where i plan on going, and what i plan to do when i get there.

the interview went swell. i was there alone for the show, which was so nice. i could actually sit back and listen to the music. until i was picked up by a girl named miranda. she was cool. i gave her my email address. not sure what will come of her.

chris and i had a very VERY nice conversation on the way back to sewanee today. i'm sure i will feel the need to journal about it at a later date. i am still processing though some of it...

i am in a state that i could not descibe if i tried. but let me try. i feel:

sad
exstatic
unsettled
empty
restless - tired, but too many thoughts
encouraged - wishing time would pass
amazed - at the beauty of people. the extent of beauty that one person can be...
empty again
out of control - i am not taking my life seriously enough
let down - by myself
too ambitious
sad
empty
teary - my brother
hopeless
helpless
emotional wreck
lost
sad
confused - about myself, who i am

what do i do with this? maybe make a what i need list:

someone to love
someone to share myself with
someone to hug
to be able to play guitar (?)
an identity
to be understood
TO BE OUT.
to talk to my brother
to tell my friends how much i love them
to spend more time by myself
to make up my OWN mind

now that i'm feeling a little better,let's try these lists one more time....

i feel:

tired.

i need:

to go to bed.

so, i am sick--officially. i have tonsilitis (spell?), possibly mono. eating today has been a failed attempt. i try to eat, but the food hurts too bad when it goes down. i got some antibiotics and sleep-inducing pain reliever to help myself get better. the doc said that if i don't feel better by sunday that i for sure need to get back in on monday. she said it is probably mono if i don't see results soon.

adrienne didn't call me last night. i'm supposed to go hang out w/her tomorrow in nashville. that probably won't be happening regardless of if she calls b/c of my being sick.

i've gotten 55 responses to the email seeking participants for my research study. we only need 5 more to be booked up. tomorrow i have to do a lot of replies to let people know when/where to show up. that could take a while, but hey, if i'm sick who really cares. i won't be able to go biking or do much else with the beautiful day.

i got sick last night. one minute, my body would feel like an ice cube and the next minute it would feel like it was on fire. i took a tylenol pm and was in bed by 8.00. i had restless sleep all night. i woke up this morning and my body is just aching. i'm really hoping that i can get in to health services before my seminar. i really can't afford to be sick right now. i have so much school work.

I LOVE THE SUN!

last night i was so tense from doing work all day that i had to call ethan. he gave me a WONDERFUL massage. i went to bed a lot more relaxed, but i was still a little tense. i did not sleep good at all. feel like i was grinding my teeth hard and kept waking up and having to reposition.

i emailed michelle thompson (res life; women's ctr) to ask her some stuff about working at the women's center next year. i told her that b/c of my sexuality, i had reservations about committing without knowing that i would get a single. she emailed me back this morning and pretty much guarenteed me a single if my application was accepted. so i'm gonna do that today. i'm pretty excited about living there next year. it's a house and has a nice cozzy feeling to it.

so, there is an art exhibit in the sewanee gallery right now. this lady passed a couple cameras around to some people she knew on campus. each person took 10 pictures and returned the camera back to her. when the film was done, she developed the pictures and selected good pictures for her exhibit. my friend, petya, took a picture of me one day at lunch. it was chosen for the exhibit. during the opening reception, i hear that she mentioned that my picture was the only student picture and that i was the "sewanee angel." the long-standing tradition of the sewanee angel is to tap the roof of your car when you enter and exit the gates to pick up or drop off an angel that will protect you while you are off campus. it just so happens that i look like an angel (hands in prayer position, circular light fixture above my head looks like a halo, beautiful picture of my face).

people keep coming up to me and mentioning the picture. wow. i feel famous...:)

i went to nashville to see adrienne on sunday night. she looked really cute with a hat and a sweatshirt on. we had a nice time playing cards, watching tv, and talking about various things. she is going to call me tomorrow night, when we will make plans to get together friday.

i am feeling completely overwhelmed these days. i have a paper due today by 5, both surveys to score for my research and an intro and methods section to write for my research report by thursday. i have to organize participants to come in on certain days, solidify the procedure, construct interview ?'s for melissa ferrick for saturday night, a lab report due monday by 8 a.m. not to mention latin homework for thursday as well. so much in so little time. all i want to do is go biking on this beautiful day.

my windows are open, and the sounds and smells of freshly cut grass are filling my room--taking me back to my childhood.