defeated

i had an emotional breakdown today. the worst in a long time.

i had a great day at work only to be called by sarah soon thereafter in need of money. it ends up that her husband put his entire paycheck this week toward paying back the boss for his bail. bail to get him out of jail after he covered for my brother's shit. so sarah had to pay her car payment today, which they did not have because zach's check was gone.

so here is the situation: my brother should have paid for zach's bail. but...he didn't so zach and sarah could not make their car payment. the bank was gonna add $45 a day starting tomorrow for it being late.

i called my mom because i was furious at the situation. i have plenty of money to loan sarah and zach, but i would not have wanted them to pay me back. because according to my morals my brother should really be the one out of pocket. sarah ends up feeling bad for stirring up more stuff with my family.....

i told her, as i told zach the night he got out of jail, that i would only accept her apology if she was apologizing because she knows how hard it is to love an addict.

then i get home and am in desperate need of getting out of the house, so i called my brother to tell him i was going to the dog park with the pups. i asked him if he was coming home right after work. he said yes, so i asked him to clean up a little around the house. he blew up and said that he was the only one that ever cleaned the house.

at this moment i realized the degree of his relapse. he is never home to clean up the house...for the past two weeks he has been home one night. while he is out getting high, i have been at home taking care of the dogs and cleaning the house. granted, he did clean a couple nights ago because a girl was supposed to come over....other than that i have been the only one cleaning.

my frustration level rose to a point that it has not reached in nearly a year. i paused for a few seconds and calmly told him that i was not going to argue right then and that i was gonna get off the phone to avoid the argument, said bye, and hung up the phone.

i called my mom, bursting in tears and cursed my brother out on the phone with her. i told her that he wasn't welcome here anymore, that he is doing nothing but using me, that i was ready to cut him off.

i don't often lose it like this. she told me that maybe i should go to a psychologist, but i told her no. for some reason, when my mom suggests that i go to therapy i will not go. that is something that i really need to come to on my own. just yesterday i was thinking that maybe it would help, but now i can't. something weird in my relationship with my mom. almost makes me sick thinking about it.

she calmed me down and i went to the dog park.

day got a little better as hulon met me there, and an amazingly hot girl was there that i met last weekend.

brother called me while i was there and told me that he knows he fucked up and the therapy he went to yesterday made him feel much better. i am glad, but i don't think it will be enough.

i don't know how much more of this i can take. i yearn for an apartment of my own.