funny how you run into people. amy was at club cafe last night. i wanted nothing more than to talk to her about how messed up the whole linda situation is--but couldn't. i wouldn't let myself.

anyways, i got amy's number and plan on hanging out w/her at the 9's (where she bartends), as it is close to elena's school. it'll be weird being around amy without linda there...

i went out with corinne and her friends thursday night. i am no longer a midway cafe virgin. as for corinne, i am into her, but i'm not sure if its enough to ruin a possibly awesome friendship. we'll see.

i'm off to work. thank goodness. our apartment has been like a sauna this week.

i'm really frustrated with linda right now. we talked for a couple hours on tuesday. she has made a decision to stay with jess, but is telling me things that do not make sense. therefore, i asked her to give me a little space for a while. otherwise, i would be in an unhealthy situation.

rosilyn asked me a couple nights ago to be her maid of honor. how exciting.

i'm going out tonight with bobby and then meeting up with people at manray. maybe i will see corinne there or maybe just someone else that i could date.

i had a therapy session with elena yesterday morning. it went amazingly. she would open the reinforcer, put it on the table, close it, sit back down, and ask (properly) to do more work. we ran through nearly all the programs. we even got through most of her maintenance book that ensures that past programs are still mastered.

i'm off to camp orientation for the camp that elena and i are going to next week.

my life is a crazy mess right now. this is so unlike me.

saturday, i went over and talked to corinne at aeropostale. i didn't mean to get her number, but walked out of the store with it anyways. we went out last night. we had coffee at diesel cafe and then went over to her friends' place to watch sex in the city. she is really hot. she is going to call me soon so that we can hang out again.

haven't talked to linda since friday night.

went to providence's pride satruday night. pulse was the name of the club. we watched the sun rise over the city of boston on our way home. slept for three hours and worked an 8 hour day yesterday.

cancelled a date with monica last night, as i am not into her in the dating way.

ethan's friend, sabrina, is flying in today. i will be hanging out w/her a lot because ethan has to work a lot this week.

i am second guessing as to whether i want to be exclusive with anyone right now. i'm having too much fun. this fun could be a great addition to my summer. my life is crazy right now. i need to have a super-chill week to aleviate the potential drama...

i have to say, holding hands is indescribable.

no words could do last night justice, so i will leave it at that.

i've been putting off this entry b/c my thoughts are so complex these days. i think of linda mostly. she is cheating on her gf on an emotional level. we have a connection. i think that she will have broken up with jess by monday of next week.

i fear of moving too fast with linda if we get into a relationship. i don't know if this can be avoided.....

retta, a good friend from middle school, visited me this weekend. we had a fun time hitting up clubs/bars around boston. saturday night i ended up bringing a girl home with me from club cafe. her name is monica. she called me last night and asked me on a date this weekend--not quite sure where to go with my love life, as the linda situation isn't cleared up yet. all that is coming out of hooking up with other girls is a better understanding of how badly i yearn to be with linda.

linda and i are going out alone tomorrow night. i wish that she and jess weren't together so that i could spend the night with her. if she could only realize how good we would be together.....

entry from last night:

"showna has been asking me all kinds of ?'s about how it was going to be to see you....b/c she knew that i planned on being single so that we could be together this summer."

I AM SO SAD TONIGHT b/c of this statement.

linda and i hung out again today. we went to a park together and layed on a blanket in the sun, threw frisbee, and played lacrosse. i want nothing more than to be with her. i wish she were here now.

I AM SO SAD! I YEARN FOR WHAT WE HAD WHEN I VISITED...

sad to the point of tears. i cannot do this.

what other options do i have?

my horoscope for today:

Scorpio

Horoscope (by Astrocenter.com)
Today, dear Scorpio, you will become quite introspective, and reflect on your life. You probably heard some bad news concerning someone very close to you and you could feel blue. You will find out that you put a great deal of emotion into this relationship. Don't let this get you down. You need to react! Try to reload your batteries! You need to get your energy back!

my written journal entry from last night:

i love reading previous entries; i love having a record of my life. the happenings of my night spurred this journey backwards in my journal.

dinner with linda was nice. too nice?....i am truly puzzled by that question. no light can be shed uon a resolution to the quetino b/c that would involve a decision that is not up to me.

it could not have been "too nice" if linda is contemplating a breakup w/jess. -- don't need to get cocky and think that 4 hours w/linda could make her re-evaluate on that level. how can i be thinking that?!? god dammit, stacey! get a grip.

no, i am thinking that because i want to be linda's girlfriend...and i know that if her and jess were not together that we would be. my thinking that is my hope in word form.

is hope healthy in this situation? i wanted her to spend the night.

AH! SOOOO many thoughts! its not easy to journal when thoughts flow through your head at 100 miles per hour, as they are now. i'll try again tomorrow.

night, please capture me in sleep....soon.

she called me at 5.30. she being linda of course.

she will be here in 30 minutes. i've been practicing the conversation that needs to take place. we are going to dinner.

oh goodness!

talked to linda tonight. i was on the phone with my friend from mississippi, alice. so i told linda that i couldn't talk. she said that she was just calling to see if i had any free time this week. i said yes, hesitantly. she asked when i would get off work tomorrow. 5 o'clock. i'll call you then.

so i'm going to see linda this week. i'm scared. she scares me. over thanksgiving last year, she said that i scare her. to which i asked how. she replied "b/c of the place you are in your life, b/c of my feelings for you."

now, she is scaring me for those same reasons. so many thoughts; so much irony.

so, ethan and i ended up going out after i did some wicked convincing. he was so tired, but came out anyways. we left our apartment around midnight headed for club cafe (a gay bar). we were there no longer than 15 minutes when we noticed a girl staring at me. lots of games were played by both parties and finally ethan and i decided that the situation was ridiculus. we went over to her and her guy friend. this was around last call so she suggested that we find an after-party, which ended up being at the guys house in needham. we stayed up drinking wine and talking till around 4.30. then allison and i stayed up an additional hour or so talking.didn't get much sleep beyond that hour....:)

so ethan and i both stayed there. they took us back to my car this morning, immediately after which ethan and i threw our arms up in desbelief at the happenings the night before.

..."what just happened?!"

bad experiences with the relatives from florida. we walked through quincy market and there was this huge setup for the kickoff of pride week. i must be using defense mechanisms subconsciously b/c i can't remember all that was said, and despite my trying to something in me is trying to bypass them. lets just say, bad things were said about homosexuality. if they only knew--the person in their company is an activist lesbian.

although i am out to my immediate family minus my father, there is still something in me that doesn't want them to know. especially now that i know how they feel about me.

i feel the urge to write one thing that was said: there was a man and a lady kissing under an umbrella and my cousin said something to the effect of "nobody wants to see that." to this, my aunt responded, "well at least its a man and a woman, right?!"

another great night. priya, ryan, ethan, and i met up at the diesel cafe in davis square and had some coffee. then we came back to our place and drank a beer before heading out to manray.

manray is great. boston is great. the boston gay scene is superb. no more words for it.

priya and ryan came back here and we had some pizza before they headed back to wellesley. they didn't get back till 4.30 priya said, which is the same time ethan and i finally went to sleep. poor ryan had to be at work at 6.

as for today, i'm going to meet ethan downtown, where we will hang out for a bit. priya left her phone here so we are going to meet up w/them so she can feel functional again. tonight ethan and i are headed to club cafe and then to some gay club in the fenway area.

tomorrow is the day i meet my relatives from florida at faneuil during pride festivities. we'll see how that unfolds..

had my first day at LEAP today (elena's new school). things look great. the teachers there are wonderful. i'm really looking forward to getting started with my full schedule. i am doing laundry at the house right now. i will overlap steph's therapy session via video monitoring. so nice. i can do laundry at my job. how cool of a job is this?! i get to play with kids all day, work with and adorable autistic girl, do laundry while conducting therapy sessions, be outside, etc. i am so lucky.

i had this sort of disturbing thought while following steph to LEAP this morning. not sure how to put the thought into words so i'm questioning the theory of thinking in word form. something about conforming in the way that people dress. i think that conforming to society's dress standard makes me feel like i have a place in the world. hmm...but its not me. will i ever be comfortable wearing whatever i feel? will there be a day when i don't have any thoughts of the social norm? that would be my utopia.

we've been working in the apartment all day. i overlapped a therapy session with steph this afternoon and came right back to do more decorating. our living room finally looks like a living space.

my mom's younger sister and my little cousins are coming to boston this weekend. we are going to meet up saturday around quincy market. they are coming all the way from florida with their church choir. it just so happens that saturday there is a pride festival at quincy. so i'm going to be there with my little cousins and my aunt who probably have no clue that i'm gay. how odd.

its going to be hard to concentrate while talking to them. haha...wow.

okay. wow. unbelieveable night.

went on a pub crawl that steph and david organized. geez, i don't even know where to start b/c i'm so stunned at the night. well. we hit up the first bar at 4 in the afternoon and finished drinking at 2 in the morning. there were 6 bars, dollar beers early on, dancing, and a great crowd.

steph's sister, jessica, was in town for the weekend. ends up, she is a lesbian. the connections between me and steph are neverending. i came out to steph and david last night. jessica and i were laughing b/c steph was like, "oh she is too (talking about jessica)" i said, "yeah" and shook my head. she couldn't believe that i knew. we had the whole gaydar conversation. it really was a blast. steph and david are awesome.

dancing with jessica was a good time. i'm kind of screening what i put on here for fear of who reads my journal. so i will end this now.