flashbacks

i thought that those ten steps would lead to the beginning of my coping. a long journey through coping with the loss of a best friend. my soul friend. the person with whom i am destined to have in my life.

flashbacks

we walk down the street. him just off the sidewalk in the road...me on the sidewalk. he begins talking to me in spanish. i remind him that i cannot speak spanish. he doesn't care and insists that i listen. focus. focus on the words and possible cognates. he speaks too fast. i hear the reving of an engine. turn. look. a cab. i tell him "no. no. no. no. no." in a spanish accent. i turn. i think the cab is going to move into the other lane and pass on by. my eyes follow along the cab's path. he enters my sight. "NOOO" the cab hits him from behind.

silence.

stunned.

"its hulon!" i see corinne running back with a horrified look on her face. i react....running to his side. i knell down beside him and begin talking to him. "he's breathing." i tell him to come back to me. that he has to stay with me. i talk him through his breaths. i tell him i love him.

he opens his eyes. sirens fill the air.

chaos.

the chaos ends when i get in the cab.

i run to the door of the hospital following him. they are running. i follow. i breeze right by security. they yell at me to get out that i am not allowed back.

i cry. and lean into my friends' arms.

the flashbacks were bad at first....one every minute i'd say. now they happen about three times a day.

hopefully there is a finite number that i must endure before they will stop. they intoxicate me. i feel everything as if it is happening over again. every cell in my body is consumed as if it is happening again.

i am ready for them to end