the conversation with my brother went really well. i started by asking him about the letters...why i have not gotten any. i told him that the school can make him write two letters a week, but under his circumstances with all four immediate family members in different houses, that does not work too well. his reaction? indicated that what i was saying was rational. excuses, more excuses. "i do not want to hear any excuses, because essentially, you are making excuses not to have relationships with your sisters." he replied, "ok," and stopped the excuses.

i told him that i felt manipulated when he tried to give excuses. that i do not trust him. i brought up the positive drug test. he got very mad and moved around in his seat a lot when i brought it up--an obvoius anxious response. he said, "everyone has turned on me. first it was the treatment team, then mom and dad, and now you." i told him that it was very sad that i could not feel anything but manipulated when he said that. that i thought him comment was said to strike a feeling of guilt in me. i established the facts: he went home for parent support, there were unsupervised pills that break down into morphine at my mom's house, he went back to school, he tested positive for morphine. how in the world was i to believe him? that he didn't take the pills? especially with the history that has lead me not trusting him?! he understood, but said, "the only people that haven't turned on me are the group members. they said that i should do what i have to do. if i didn't take the pills, not to say that i did just to build trust." i told him that i felt manipulated again. that he was just using that situation to make me see him in a helpless situation and feel bad about pressing the issue. he told me that the drug test was not reliable. i told him that i was going to research it. he told me that i would find that it wasn't reliable. i told him, "DON'T tell me what i'm going to find. let me find it. you are saying that because it benefits your situation right now, in this conversation!" it got nasty..

we were interrupted. thank goodness.

i talked with the family social worker during the interruption. he said that there was a small percentage of a chance that the test was wrong. but they tested brian twice to make up some of that chance. both times-positive. a few days later-negative. he took the pills. no doubt about it. i wished he would stop lying, but decided that i might as well drop the whole drug test topic from our conversation. we were not going to get anywhere with it.

we continued conversation. i apologized for it getting nasty and that i should have changed topics because it was going nowhere. he said it was ok.

i told him that it was beside the point as to whether he took the drugs while at home. the point is that he will be in less supervised situations when he gets out of treatment. the real issue: what makes him feel like he has to take drugs to get by?...school. i told him that i can imagine how hard it has been on him, following myself and my sister (two very academic intellectuals). that i thought it was hard following just my sister. that i couldn't imagine both of us. especially with the unfortunate adhd and learning disabilities, that were not his fault. that he could not control those things. they were just unfortunate. it just as easily could have been me or debbi enduring those hardships.

i told him that school isn't for everyone. that he is great with kids. that he has his own talents that just don't happen to be the same ones that debbi and i have. and that doesn't lessen him as a person. he has what he is good at; we have what we are good at. no one is going to judge him for his choices of carreers. that its all about finding his niche--what he is good and is happy doing. if that is working at a day care--GREAT. i will be proud, as will the rest of the family. i told him not to measures his success through societal lenses. its all about his happiness. he just has to get through school first. that's all. get through it.

he was encouraged. we talked about kids for some time. i feel really good. i have never seen him movitated to that level.

the final topic of conversation was my sexuality. i came out to him and it felt MAGNIFICENT. we were cut off just after i came out to him, but he seemed to take it very well. i told him that if there was anything he wanted to know/had questions about, to let me know in that letter that i am expecting in a couple weeks.

we went back to the group, where my mom and dad said their goodbyes. they left the room and my brother walked over to where i was sitting, crying. i stood up and gave him a huge hug. he cried on my shoulder. it sounded heavenly. the best sound i have heard in a very long time. like music to my ears. he has causes me so many tears in the past year, and until now i had yet to hear him breakdown. it was amazing. describing it in words is not doing it justice. how could i describe the most beautiful thing i have ever heard? no words. no phrases. its a feeling. a feeling deep within.

i told him that i love him. he told me that he loves me. we hugged again. he cried some more. i cried some more. we broke again. i told him, "you know what? keep putting the goal to 'improve your relationship with your sister' on your weekly list. put it there. but write me from now on. work on that goal. don't let it go by the wayside."

i will not see him again for 5 months or so as i am moving to boston before the next parent support. i miss him already. i really hope that i get some letters. and i think i will. i actually feel like i can let my hopes rise a little....