i am a big stressball right now. i have a half-finished paper due in three hours. i have to do a laundry list of things before spring break, including laundry, packing, signing for my diploma, taking the ferrets to brooke's house, and saying goodbye to her.

but. all is well because i have found love.

and it feels good.

the cold weather cannot stop my life from feeling like spring.

my professor stopped me after class today to ask my personal opinion on some subjects that we talked about in class. my opinion was something that she had never thought of before. how wonderful that made me feel.

i feel like i'm back from a chaotic beginning of the semester.

i feel good.

ex and i have things under control. job plans for next year are under control. friend from freshman year is coming in town tomorrow. i have almost finished all my work for tomorrow. and my room is clean.

i missed this feeling.

pain.
hurt.
love.
rage.
sadness.
fear.

to break up with someone because they have things to work on alone is possibly the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

i broke up with her sunday. i broke up with her because her problems are causing me problems. i broke up with her knowing that it might push her over the edge, and i may not ever be able to talk to her again. i broke up with her for my good. i broke up with her hoping that it would turn into her good.

i feared that it wouldn't.

i got an email from her last night. she is sorry. she wants me back. she is going to therapy. i broke up with her and it turned into her good.

now, she's getting help and i'm having to do the right thing and deny my feelings because i know it is best for her.

my feelings erupt from my eyes. they stream down my cheeks and drip to the floor. i feel pain. i feel sadness. i feel anger. but below it all, i feel love.

and love is hurting.