i feel like journaling all day. i don't feel like living my life today. i just want to think about it--hence all the entries today.

dr. lohr and i figured out why i attract people with low self-esteem as friends. its a definate pattern that shows up in my life. the pattern has been especially bothering me lately, as i've noticed low self-esteem in most of my friends. the reasons: i am deep, a good listener, have good advice, see the good in everyone, and simply have a strong personality. when i thought about it, i realized that if i had low self-esteem i would be attracted to a person like myself. it seems that i need to make more friends that can give back to me what i give to them. i let down my walls and am real with people very quickly. this causes them to have to deal with what they see in themselves as well. since most of the people i attract have low self-esteem, they don't really like doing this introspection and flee from my friendship with them.

so all in all, i invest a lot in my friendships only to lose them soon thereafter. since i am in friendships for the long-run, i do not like that this is happening so much. dr. lohr suggested either to stop being so real so fast or to be more aware of if the new friend seemed like a "runner."

my response? my being real open about who i am and what i stand for has helped me build many small friendships at this school. realizing how many people i know has been the key in overcoming the whole "there's the campus lesbian" issue. my having small friendships with a lot of people helped me realize that i actually am helping a lot of people see that you can be gay and still offer a lot to your community.

so, i will continue to put myself in vulnerable positions and try to be more aware of when a perspective friendship looks invaluable to me.