time spent alone is probably the best therapy for me. i have spent most of the past 24 hours alone analyzing everything. i figured out the things that i like best about my personality and the things that would most like to change.

the main thing that i figured out is that i'd like to focus better on conversations that i have with friends. most of the time, i get frustrated when my phone rings because it rings all the time. but then i want to keep in better touch with all my friends. since i graduated my friends are spread all over the country so keeping in touch requires the phone. i want to make it a point to call one friend a night that i can't see on a daily basis.

i have been bad at keeping in touch with people. especially high school friends. i get nervous when i deal with high school friends because i have changed so much since then. its almost as if they wouldn't know me anymore. i need to suck it up and claim my past.

a lot of them want to come visit me in the next couple of months. what will they think?

i worked out for 2 hours today. i started out in the fitness center at my apt complex and ended on my bike on a trail behind the complex. finding this trail was a very nice surprise. in an ideal world i would wake up 30 min early in the morning to do a quick workout before work, but i am in touch with reality and know that will never happen. i have set a goal of 3 times a week.

i have three nights of classes this week for work. that means that i only have to get up early twice! :) i really like the changes in my life.

to top of my wonderful 24 hrs of introspection, chris and mitch are both coming to chattanooga tonight to go out with me. how fabulous...

katelen and i went on a date last night. we had great conversation at dinner, at blockbuster, and back at my apt. but most importantly we laughed nearly the whole time we were together.

we held hands while watching the movie then she went home. i like her. she knows it. she enjoys being hard to read. i'm usually good at reading people. i just can't tell w/her

i had to switch my car insurance over about a month ago. i called around and found the best rates with geico. now this excited me because i love the gecko. about a week after i switched over, i got some paperwork from them....none of which had even a picture of the gecko.

i got drunk :) last weekend and decided that i was gonna call the 800 number and complain. i told the lady that i was upset b/c i hadn't seen the gecko and that i didn't feel safe b/c the gecko wasn't riding with me in my car.

haha. she said they get calls like this often and told me that she would see if she could hunt for something to send me.

i probably won't get a stuffed gecko in the mail, but its a funny story nonetheless.

i talked to my ex, jaquita, last week. she is doing good. it was very nice to talk to her. she has a music scholarship to a school that is only an hour and a half away. it will be so weird to see her b/c i haven't seen her since we broke up.

seems like that is about all for now. leave me comments :)

the first thing on my mind is katelen. i have a date w/her this week sometime. we have yet to make the formal arrangements. anyways, i am excited about this because i really like this girl. we have intense games of 1000 questions. why stop at 20?! i feel like i know her better than brooke already. :)

seems as though every part of my life is coming up at a junction these days. i try to keep myself from becoming overwhelmed by it all.

but it is hard.

warm baths, candles, incense, soothing music, and books are helping...but pressure fills my head and decreases in the form of tears down my cheeks.

my brother leaves tomorrow for one final step in his rehabilitation process. it will be the third program and we are going up on the two year anniversary of his lenghty journey. once he has completed this program, he will live with me full time. i cry tears of joy and tears of sadness. each junction reminds me of the pain that loving an addict has forced me to endure. i read back through past journal entries of when he was beginning the programs and briefly feel the pain as strongly as i did then, but then i realize that he is past that. i have regained my hope...the junction of my relationship with my brother brings me hope.

i have started a new job and am loving it. i am working at http://www.openarmscare.org. the pay and benefits are amazing! but...more importantly, i found the job that caters exactly to my career goals. the company is having a new york firm in town next week to lead a workshop on "how to educate people with profound and moderate mental retardation." the job is stressful because i am a member of a new team that is shifting the day program from a caretaker role into an educational role. the old staff are on edge about their job duties changing. and i am a good 10 years younger than everyone that i work with, so it is hard to hold a higher status than most of my coworkers without them feeling somewhat inadequate.

i am fizzling out of brainpower. early mornings and sleepless nights are catching up with me.

oh one last thing. my ex, jaquita, has been on my mind a lot in the past week. mitch told me today that she messaged me on aim today. he did not respond. i really wish that i had her number. i miss her.

i am feeling refreshed today.

thoughts have finally been allowed to catch up with me. the past two days have been spent resting, reading, watching movies, listening to music--all with incense burning. i seem to have lost that time that i need so badly...that time to recenter

things that are on my mind:

brooke.
she disappoints me. i disappoint myself. why aren't we talking? i feel like she needs me right now and i am not there for her. should i be there for her? after all that she put me through? this song captivates my feelings about her:

am i faithful
am i strong
am i good enough to belong
in your reverie a perfect girl
your vision of romance is cruel
and all along i played the fool
all your expectations bury me
dont worry
you will find the answer
if you let it go
give yourself some time to falter
but dont forgo
knowing that youre loved no matter what
and everything will come around
in time

i own my insecurities
i try to own my destiny
that i can make or break it if i choose
but you take my words and twist them round
till im the one who brings you down
make me feel like im the one to blame
for all of this

you need everybody with you on your side
know that i am here for you but i hope in time
youll find yourself alright alone
youll find yourself with open arms
youll find yourself youll find yourself in time
--perfect girl by sarah mclachlan

sewanee.
i miss so many people from sewanee and it troubles me that i won't be able to see them in another month. we are done. we have graduated. we are not going back to each other.

work.
i started a job as the lead teacher in a 3-4 year old classroom last week. the kids are bad. real bad. i am slowly getting them straightened out. but i interviewed for another job on thursday and will probably get a call offering me a position tomorrow. the new job would be with MR, autism, adhd, tourette's, etc. the company is expanding and as i understand it, i could be moving up into a supervisor position as soon as three months down the road.

exercise.
i need to get back into mountain biking. my knee has healed as much as it is going to and i feel like biking could do me some good.

election.
john kerry's speech was impeccable. hulon, brian, and i went to a democratic convention party and had a blast. i was interviewed by the chattanooga newspaper. my picture is on the front page with quotes and everything. how exciting. i love being an activist. i cannot explain how it makes me feel...

i just found out that mitch will be here on wednesday. we leave thursday for pensacola. ethan flies in on friday. and i get to hang out with josette...the girl that i met for a reason, without a doubt. but i have yet to find out why.

until i am so moved again...