the sexuality and rediscovery of a 25 year old female...
excerpt from an email to my psychologist:
i need to take advantage of the "searching/re-evaluating" nature of my family right now. there will not be a better time...i can't keep running. actually, what i'm doing right now isn't running at all. its as if the space that my life occupies has shrunk to the point that i can't even get one step in a direction without hitting a wall. the walls are closing in. i have to break some down.
she said that she wanted to take honesty away from the ceremony...
she said that she wanted to know how i feel truthfully...
oh please...please, please let her be ready for this.
i have a paper due in my women's studies class tomorrow. i have chosen to do it on lesbian mothers...
as i sit here reading about the origin family's role in the lives of lesbian couples and their children, i am deeply saddened. i am so tired of wondering what my mom's reaction is going to be. as i read about the lack of grandparent support of lesbian mothers i feel utterly helpless. it seems as though i will have to endure struggles throughout my entire life--in all the decisions that i make.
my relationship with my mom is already suffering. do i tell her? or will that make it worse? what is her reaction going to be? do i even want to know? the risks...huge.
i want so badly for a relationship with my mom. if i come out to her, i will be completely vulnerable. yet, coming out to her feels like the only path to rekindling the relationship. maybe i am refraining from telling her because i know it is the last chance...
can i handle not ever having a relationship with my mom?
i need hope. i need out of here. being so far removed from the gay community is really having an effect on me. i am tired of having to wear my sexuality; i am tired of being known as the token lesbian. i just want to live in a community where i do not stand out. i am tired of the attention.
but my community needs it--the token. why did i choose this school? i am loosing hope.
i plug along by fantasizing about one day living a private life with my wife, pondering together upon whether or not to have children, and cooking meals together.
as for now, i live that life through the music of catie curtis and melissa ferrick. they bring the gay community into my room on this overwhelmingly heterosexual campus.
i cry--for i know i must come out to my mom. i cannot take it any longer. she deserves to know why i have walls up. if she cannot accept me then at least i can live my life knowing that i tried to have a relationship with her.
off to write her a letter...if i don't finish the paper i don't care. i cannot worry with school work right now. i am not in a mental/emotional state to worry about anything but my bond with my family. the time is now. i have to do this.
we had our first basketball game of the IM season last night. we lost. but we improved :)
the floor hockey season ended on monday night. we made it all the way to the championship game. five girls, who have never played floor hockey beat a team composed of mostly field hockey players and gave another mostly field hockey team a run. we got second place but were tremendously proud of ourselves.
i met with the director of my school's production of "the laramie project" this morning. after next thursday's performance, i (and a couple others probably) will be having a "talk back" session. i'm excited about this because everyone will be feeling emotional/sympathetic following the story of matthew shepherd.
i talked to linda for an hour and a half the other night. the conversation was great. too great, actually. i miss her...
jaquita's birthday is sunday. we talked about it last night, and she said that she had no plans. i asked her to consider coming here. she is considering it...
more later...
in women's studies today, we discussed "the myth of the vaginal orgasm" and compulsory heterosexism. a few things hit me in a weird place while in class, but i was incapable of thinking my way through them....until after class when chris and i discussed the class.
1. adrienne rich tries to destimatize lesbianism by talking about the lesbian continuum. there are heterosexual, bisexual, and homosexual women out there. most women have close, emotional relationships with other women and are thus homosocial. she argues that there is not that big of a difference between homosocial relationships and homosexual relationships--only the sexual part. yet, one is socially acceptable (or possibly even advocated) while the other is stigmatized.
while thinking about this, i thought about how before i came out of the closet, i was mostly homosocial. but the more out i become, the more and more heterosocial i have become. this is something VERY interesting to brainstorm about....
perhaps i was somewhat forced to become heterosocial because lesbianism is stigmatized and therefore my female friends no longer felt comfortable around me. i'm sure there are other reasons....does anyone else have any interesting ideas?
2. we talked about "political lesbians" that came out in the 1960's. they were introduced as women who realized that men were not needed to achieve pleasure as previously thought before the "myth" was published so they became lesbians to advance the feminist cause. instantly, i had a negative reaction to this idea--that women could choose to be complete lesbians. i feel that if you are a full-blown lesbian then you don't really have a choice in the matter. i can understand that slightly bisexual women might make a choice to aknowledge their sexuality and be true to themselves, but lesbians having a choice is a little bit of a stretch.
after much thought, i hypothesize that many of these women were lesbians all along. the publication of "the myth of the vaginal orgasm" simply gave them a backboard from which they could leap into lesbianism. i think that feminist political reasons made it easier for them to deal with the social osticization from which they were bound to suffer. what do you think? is anyone more familiar with this notion or "political lesbians?"
my day has been good so far. i did overhear some disturbing comments at lunch but i do not feel like typing them now. more later...
i had a dream this morning about catie curtis. i was at one of her shows, and she remembered me from the nashville show when i met her. she was so happy to see me at another show and offered to buy me a beer. she bought me this huge (40 oz) beer called the "american." haha. how should we interpret that one? i remember that she started to come onto me in my dream, and i was not into her. she was way too drunk to be attractive. catie curtis and drunk don't seem to go together so well. i wonder what made me have this odd dream....
interesting....
i am extremely sad right now. today i got a letter in the mail from my mom. it reads:
i would rather call you tonight but i'm so teary-eyed that it wouldn't be good. i just wrote brian a note, too. mr. ray said that he got out to the school around 10.30 this a.m. and said all went well at the group home and that brian said he slept fine. i will talk to brian tomorrow night on the phone.
stace-i really appreciate you opening up (on sunday) to me. i have mentioned to your dad that i have been concerned about your emotional state. i am so glad you are seeking help. all that bottled up anger surely must affect you in a lot of ways. you have helped me to look at things with me and jim. i am not happy for many reasons and incidences in the past. sometimes i think he is something like my dad was--selfish, immature, and of course manipulative! i'vee got to look this straight in the eye and do whatever it takes to get out of the middle of you kids on one side and jim tugging me towards him. i am very strong and even stronger when the issues are with you, brian, and debbi. it's not safe to shove me in a corner and jim will see that.
i have done a good deal of looking at this situation and must do more. i will not let jim come between you and me. please let me know how you feel truthfully. let your guard down with me, please! i am your mom and i can't bear to think that we can't overcome this. no one will be allowed to come between me and my kids EVER! none of us are perfect--we will always have issues to work on but let's do it together.
i love you,
mom
why does the idea of getting close to my mother sicken me? is this normal? regardless, i need to get over it. but how?
perhaps, i feel animosity towards my mom for not allowing me to feel (safe?) enough to tell her i'm gay--and that has caused this relationship to counter-develop. or perhaps no parent could have provided me that (safety) to tell them. maybe its me. but what does it matter? it probably doesn't even have to do w/my being gay. what went wrong? why have i cut myself off from my mother?
i got an email from her today. she and dr. ray are trying to set up a conference call with me, my bro, and my mom. my brother begged dr. ray to let me in on the call this week. i feel sorry for my brother. it seems like all the family problems are being placed on him in one big heavy load. i feel like i should be right there with him. i guess i really feel this way because that realization is bringing tears to my eyes.
more later...
two entries in two hours--yes i have a lot on my mind right now...
linda called me right as i walked in from chattanooga. we have been talking a lot lately and it is getting to me. i like her so much...why can't she make the timing right?
rachel called me again tonight. i feel bad. i had mitch call me and i acted like he was my mom to get off the phone with her before she asked me out on a date. she is persistant...i can give her that.
i miss my ex terribly. i feel that maybe i am enjoying the thought of cuddling with her a little bit too much. what are my motives for this? is she simply a comfort for me?
perhaps i just need to stop thinking and go to bed...
today was great....starting way back at the moment my alarm went off and i noticed that there was a sun peeking through my window. psyc class was bearable and my women's studies class was cancelled. chris and i went to SPO, lunch, and started for his room to watch queer as folk season 2. on the way to his room, i had the brilliant (BRILLIANT, rather) idea of going to chattanooga's coolidge park for the afternoon. we were off campus by 1.15.
we started by having some good coffee from mudpie and then kicked the soccer ball around at the park for an hour or so. we were walking over to a picnic table to do some work when we spotted "momma," or charles, heading our way. we talked w/him for around 30 minutes by the river and made plans to meet up with him for dinner around 6. we went back to mudpie, studied, and had dinner at TGI Friday's with momma. chris got a waiter's number and was overjoyed. i had a nice time remember last year with momma. nice conversations about mine and jaquita's relationship of which he was very much a part.
what a wonderful day.
the visit with my brother was chaotic. my mom's husband, jim, was acting like a total ass the entire time. when i couldn't handle it anymore, i talked to my mom about how he is/has been coming in between our relationship. i told her how bad it hurt when she took his side on a very hostile day last thanksgiving. after i finished going off on him, she admitted that he has some serious issues and that if he didn't get some counseling that that would be it...(she would leave him?)...
jim started going off on my brother just before i had to leave. i told him to just shut-up--that he'd already caused enough havoc in our lives. he ignored me. i proceeded to tell him to shut-up until he acknowledged me. i don't even remember what he finally turned to me and said...it wasn't very nice though. jim and i will never get along. i'm not sure what to do w/that whole situation if my mom does not leave him. he's just a jackass. i have respect for him.
my brother and i had a very nice conversation just before i left town. we both cried about my mom's horrible circumstance and aired our frustrations with jim. a very nice bonding experience.
on a lighter note, friday night was a blast. emily wright-timko and i went out to eat and to a concert on campus. i came back to my room to shower only to find ethan and mitch drinking daquiris in my room. emily came back over as planned and we made more daquiris. chris was spinning at DKE; we went and danced to his fabulous set. when we got tired of the crowd at DKE, we headed over to lambda chi. LOTS of fun there. dancing, dancing, and more dancing. i got in around 2 and didn't want to go to sleep b/c i was so pumped up from the night. hopefully we will have another one of those this weekend....
within 10 minutes last night i got calls from linda, jaquita (my ex), and rachel. had good conversations with the first two, but rachel is annoying me. every time that i talk to her she asks me out on a date. how many times do i have to tell her that i am not capable of a relationship right now?
an excerpt from an email to my hero, professor, and friend, Spacc:
Ronald Allen came to my room last night and we talked for some time. He kinda set me back into reality. I talked with him about a "black table" at McClurg making fun of Chris. He told me that next year, we (the GSA) should probably not try to affiliate much with the African American Alliance. He said this b/c all of the allies are seniors and the underclassmen are pretty hostile towards homosexuals. He said that it was a huge struggle in the African American community to get me on that "What Matters" panel. This was all a shock to me. They are so nice to me to my face. That is one thing that I don't like about the South. People don't tell you how they feel about you to your face. I hate wondering who is being real with me and who is talking about me behind my back. Hopefully, I'll come up with some peaceful way to deal with these fake people.
I told Ron that if I had been around when they made fun of Chris that I would have said something. He begged me not to, for it could get ugly--that if I stepped a little onto their "masculinity" that they might get violent. Spacc, I cannot worry about reprocusions right now. I have no tolerance for that kind of behavior. Bring it on, it can only get better after it gets worse.
i will try to post about my hectic weekend sometime soon...i'm still trying to process/think through all that happened...
Hello--I Chritopher.
i am in chris' room right now. he is making me a wonderful espresso. its italian roast. i don't think i've ever had an italian roast espresso. he was telling me about this the other day. :) i can't wait to taste.
i finished my paper at about 4.30 today and turned it in by 4.45. i didn't quite get to the 4 page mark, but i had a lot of good content in there. hopefully she won't be too disappointed. i am meeting with my cognitive research seminar partner at 7...which is right now. i gotta go. more later
OH MY GOODNESS! crunch-time. i have three hours to write three pages. i am such a slow writer...i hope i can make this deadline...
i had a very productive conversation with mitch tonight. what a hard thing to do. it's such a tight line between hurting his easy-to-hurt feelings and being confrontational. hopefully a success.
b/c of this, i have not yet started my paper that is due tomorrow by 5.
one last thing--i had a hat trick at the floor hockey game tonight. our team made some major improvements. :)
ok i'm curious--
so many people are reading my journal these days, yet no one is commenting...i would love some input :)
well, i didn't get my latin test back today, and i wasn't called on to translate. glad i went to class...
i came home and took a much needed nap until lunch. molly and i went to stirlings soon thereafter and mostly talked about catie curtis coming to campus next semester.
i lowered my time on the mountain biking practice course from 11 minutes to 8 minutes. that is amazing. i feel really energized. i'm ready to go grab some dinner and then write this women's studies paper that is due tomorrow. can't wait till floor hockey tonight...
i had a really really hard time getting up this morning. i haven't done my latin assignment, and i will probably get my test back today. i don't want to get the test back. its not going to be a very positive experience.
i don't remember much of today. i had lab all afternoon. i did email catie curtis' booking agent and julie wolf. i'm working on getting them here for some concerts pretty soon. we'll see how that all ends up...
drama...dear god rid me of the drama.
i am blowing off my latin assignment for tomorrow. i am coming to terms w/the idea that grades aren't the most important thing to me right now. perhaps i am coming to terms with this a little too much. gotta work on getting more work done. i have to find the motivation.
we had a GSA meeting last night. during the meeting, i crashed hard. we were talking about mainstream society's perception of the gay community. it bothers me to no end that people can be so blinded to all that is good about me just because of my sexuality--just because i like girls. why must that miniscule part of me play such a huge role in people's perception? i have things to offer to this world...as catie curtis says:
so i have a paper due at 5 tonight in my women's studies class. i haven't started it. i have class at 10 and 11 then a lab from 2-5. it's obviously not going to be done by 5. we have one freebie in that class. we can turn in one paper at the next class period without a penalty. guess this is my freebie. will write more later...
the past few days have been amazing. let me start with the melissa ferrick show.
tremendous show. she sang a lot of her mellow stuff. the sound was so beautiful that i teared up for three songs--welcome to my life, the stranger, and ??. while waiting to meet her, she turned and saw that i had brought two guys w/me. she says that she is always happy to see guys at her shows. she gave chris and mitch huge hugs and then turned to me. i can't even remember what was said first. i took a picture w/her. in the process, the string on chris' camera was hanging in front of the lens. melissa told him that it was hanging in the middle. then she turned to me and said, "well, i guess he likes things hanging in the middle." so all in all, melissa is amazing...
i thought that friday night was going to be a bore. boy was i wrong! ethan, molly, mitch, and i made a 10.30 beer run, drank a lot of beer while talking about deep philosophical things (i.e. religion--eeks), and went to lambda chi. emily was at lambda along w/a whole lot of other cool people. i danced my ass off. such a fun night!
catie curtis was last night, amazing last night. ethan, chris, mitch, emily, molly, julia, and dorothy all went to the show. so we are sitting there eating before the show started and i see JULIE WOLF come walking in!!! (julie wolf is ani difranco's keyboardist/accordianist) ends up that catie and julie are close friends and they performed together on a lot of the songs. after the show was over, i went right up to julie and introduced myself. i thanked her for her music and told her that it was so very nice to meet her. we took a picture together. we talked to catie on the way out. i got a picture w/her as well. i asked her if she would be interested in playing at sewanee next year, and she said that she'd love to. she told me to get in touch w/her booking agent and set it up. hope all that works out.
after catie curtis the gang headed to cafe coco's to grab some coffee/beer. then connections. i danced with a really cute girl to a couple songs only to find out at the end of the night that she has a gf. she said that she wished she didn't though b/c i was really cute :) that made me smile. anyways. she said she'd see me around for sure.
we left the club around 3 and went to molly's house to spend the night. woke up this morning, grabbed some ihop, and came home. i believe that everyone had a really nice time.
now...i have to write a paper. its going to be soo hard to keep my mind off the amazing events that have happened in the past few days.
i just got home from another melissa ferrick show. she is amazing. i got a picture of the two of us hugging...i told her that her music is my inspiration. i feel great just knowing that i have finally thanked her for her music.
we hung out w/melissa for about 5 minutes after the show, taking pictures and laughing. i will write in detail tomorrow. it is 2.45 in the morning and i have been awake for 21 hours on only 4 hours of sleep...
Scorpio
how appropriate...
holy shit! i bought some tom's hot chips the other day with ethan and decided to break them out for a midnight snack--a much needed break from studying. gosh damn are they hot. i have never had a bag of those chips that were that damn hot.
enough of a break. i am pleased with how my studying is coming. i think i will head to bed within 30 minutes and wake up a couple hours early to finish up studying. i keep thinking 'melissa ferrick tomorrow night...catie curtis saturday night.' the ultimate light at the end of the tunnel.
i'm feeling very anxious about my latin exam tomorrow. i am angry at myself for not taking the class more seriously.
i wrote a rather long letter to my brother today. i told him that there were things about me that i still haven't told him and that i hoped to tell him those things when i see him on the 15th. i sent him some quotes that will hopefully light a fire under his ass to get as much out of his experience as he can. writing the letter was very emotional. i cried for about 20 of the 30 minutes that it took me to write it. i think it will spark some emotion in him as well.
today has been a good day. i have a lot of work to get done tonight. i'm so busy these days. i need an extra day between thursday and friday.
remained "up" all day. i had my first floor hockey game of the IM season tonight. we lost 4-0, but it was mostly due to a lack of subs rather than a difference in skill. i feel great. i'm sore and have a cough from running so much. how refreshing...
linda and i talked for an hour and a half total today. i called her when she got off work so that i could talk to her on her drive home. then she called just before my floor hockey game, and i called her back after the game. i miss her.
woke up this morning feeling really good--wanting to accomplish some things today. hopefully my latin class at 8 am won't change my mood.
linda and i have been talking daily since saturday. things have changed, but i think its mostly because i have pulled out a little to protect myself. i'm interested to see what will happen this summer...
i have regressed again. i yearn for my brother, comfort of my home, my bed, and my music.
i have an exam in one of my psychology classes tomorrow. i have not read anything for that class yet this semester. i plan on waking up tomorrow to study for an hour or so before class.
the weather was beautiful today. it is supposed to snow on friday, however. i wonder about the groundhog's findings this morning. does anyone know?