so, there is a new girl in my life. her name is adrian. i met her at the club last night. she turns 21 on april 14th. she is from south carolina, but is in nashville for her job for the next month. its pretty good timing in that i will be leaving for boston around the time that she has to leave nashville. i think she might have called my cell phone while i was at lunch today. i need to check my voicemail to see if it was her. i'm going to ask her if she'd be interested in going to see melissa ferrick with me next weekend. she's just my type: short, blonde, spikey hair. we are the same height, have the same sense of humor, and are both very comfortable and open about being lesbians. all looks GREAT. i think this could be a great development in my life...

on a much diff note, linda called me last night just before we left for the club. she said something about jess getting on her nerves. ugh. is she trying to keep me hanging onto thoughts of her this summer? i'm being careful with my heart...i won't let myself be hurt if i can help it..

i got a copy of an email from my mom to mr. ray (bro's family worker). this was friday night while we were partying in my room. she said that brian is not welcome in her house for the next home visit--says he has proven that he cannot resist temptation. this got me down, but i coped with it pretty quickly. i had a FANTASTIC friday night in my room drinking then at lambda chi. here are a few funny things that happened:

1. at the gas station: chris and i were playing tag (started doing this on the cali trip). he tagged me and ran off only to trip over a curb and fall flat on his ass while. this was all while he was thinking he was cool shit for getting away from me before i tagged him back. that just made the moment more hilarious.

2. club mccrady: while drinking in my room, we had the bright idea of turning off all the lights and using a 3-bulb lamp as a strobe light. chris clicked the lights as ethan and i danced to some good old hip-hop. francie enjoyed the show...

3. tag at lambda: we left for lambda around 12 and danced our asses off. chris and i continued tag between all the dancing people. it was a combo of tag and hide-and-seek. at one point we were chasing each other around the pool table downstairs. obviously this was very funny for people to watch :)

i've been in a really good mood lately...i will write more soon. i have way to much work this week.

i had a nice ride. thoughts overwhelmed me to the point of frustration. a frustration so intense that i ran the training course in 7 minutes flat. that's an entire four minutes faster than my goal. i only had to get off my bike to go over a pipe and a log (both are not crossable without getting off) and up this pretty steep rock-layered incline that comes just after the pipe. i just couldn't get back on the bike and get enough speed before the cranking. i was very proud of myself for making it up this huge hill for the first time. profanity streamed from my mouth in excitement.

anyhow, i came to no conclusion on what to do w/my brother's situation. all i know is that i want to write him a letter, but i'm not sure what to say. what does he need to hear?

NOOOO! not again. my brother tested positive for morphine when he returned to his school from his home visit. i wonder how the school deals with these things--i know he doesn't get kicked out (obviously). will he be punished by not receiving the next phase in the program? who knows....

my first reaction after reading the email from my mom was to scream. i just want to get in his face and tell him how stupid he's being. that won't work. it didn't before...see, in early august, i was at home and got a phone call from his school saying that he was not there--was he sick and at home? no. i walked around the issue, not knowing for sure if he was at an appointment or something. i called a parent to see...he was skipping. i went to the school when it let out because i knew he would be there to pick up my step-sister. i parked in the lot and when he drove up i drove over to him. he got out of his car and walked over to my open window. the car was immediately filled w/the smell of alcohol. i told him to get in his car and sit there till i got back. i took my step-sister home and had a brief talk with her about how the morning developed. it ends up that he picked up some "thuggish" guy for school. i went back to the school and told him to get in the car with me. he wanted to follow me home in his car. i gave him a blank, you dumbass-type stare and he got in my car. i yelled at him forever it seemed. he cried. i cried. we went home after the LONG drive/talk around town. he cleaned up for about a week only to run his car through the doors of a gas-station as a result of using an inhalent.

what do i do? how can i help? he's getting the treatment; he's got a loving family. it's getting to the point where i'm giving up on him. am i going to have to take care and worry about him my entire life? for his short life??--i guess this might be a better way to phrase it...

i'm going biking to clear my head.

last night, i emailed melissa ferrick and ran my idea for an interview by her. i went to bed eagerly awaiting her reply...

i forgot to wear my mouthpiece to sleep last night and woke up with a horrible head/temple-ache. i sat down at my computer and checked my email. an email from ferrick...@...., her personal email address, sat there in my inbox. she emailed me back within one hour of my email. wow. i was stoked. she said that she wouldn't have long to talk b/c they only have one day in atl, but that i could come to sound check. she told me to email jen (her road manager) and to see what time their checkin in. i'm sooo excited. the show is next saturday night.

the schedule for next semester's classes has been posted online. the classes are GREAT. i plan on taking these for sure:

social psychology
behavior modification seminar
intro to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender studies (the course that i, and two others, created)

the fourth class is still undetermined but it will either be child development (writing-intensive and lab) or intro to educational psychology.

i'm going to love all those classes. two of the professors are gay, one is my psychologist (lohr) and the other is a new psych dept member. i liked her the most out of all the candidates i rated for the position.

on a different topic--linda called today and we talked for about 30 minutes. we talked about biking, lacrosse (her season started last week), and about my interview with melissa. i'm excited to hang out w/her this summer. the conversation just felt good. nothing weird at all. i really think i am okay about her and jess being together.

i feel great! i just got back from a two hour bike ride. i didn't get all that tired during the ride either...amazing. i drank an entire camelbak of water--never done that before.

i explored all kinds of new trails, whose destinations are yet to be known. i got scared that i was about to be off the domain, so i turned around several times. i ran into a sturdy branch while going pretty fast. it hit my hand first (thank goodness i had my gloves on) and scratched all the way up my forearm. i have some odd looking marks on my arm from my experience with the branch. i think it's going to be a pretty big, ugly bruise tomorrow.

i spent a lot of the day outside. chris, mitch, and i went out on the mccrady lawn and played taboo in the sunlight for a while earlier. i feel really good b/c i went and talked with my women's studies professor about a paper that is due friday and one that's due at the end of the course. i feel very good about my topics--both on female artists with their own record labels. yep, i'm gonna try to interview melissa ferrick before or after her show in atl on april 5th. WOW. that would be AWESOME. anyways...i'm off to watch some news updates, as i haven't heard what's going on with the war for a few days now.

journal entries written during spring break:

MARCH 18, 2003 -- 9.56 P

i find myself in a trendy san francisco hotel, "the metropolis," on a beautiful night. we are at the midpoint of our spring break trip to cali.

linda has been on my mind a lot in the past few days. it is a difficult to find a time to call her b/c she is three hrs ahead of us. i wonder how she is doing...

we spent our first few nights in LA at ethan's house in santa monica. then, we spent two nights in san louis obisbo w/his g'ma sue. we will leave here tomorrow night to drive to sewanee in ethan's new car. more later...the simpson's are on and distracting me.

MARCH 19, 2003 -- 9.49 P

lots of fun talk about the viking club in the car today. we left san fran around 3, hit sacramento, hit reno, and are now driving through the middle of nevada. hopefully, we will be able to have lunch in salt lake city tomorrow. in the next couple days (if only i knew my geography better) we will visit laramie, wy. it will no doubt be an experience that i will never forget.

my brother called me today. he earned a home visit that ended today. it was really REALLY nice to talk to him.

i bought a pair of american eagle khaki pants today...and a bandana. i can finally be one of those "bandana girls" that turn me on in the biggest way.

racheal called me a few days ago. i must admit--she has been on my mind. hormones maybe? i don't know, but i think that i'll invite her to sewanee in a couple weekends. she could be fun. more soon, i think its almost my turn to drive.

MARCH 20, 2003 -- 9.03 P

25 miles away from laramie and these are my thoughts:

there are a lot of those wooden fences out here
we just ate at a subway about 100 miles from laramie
i was scared. i realized that i had my "born gay" button on my bag
i wonder if i'll be able to see laramie glisten as matthew saw it that night
THANK YOU MATTHEW, your short life did not go unnoticed...

SAME DAY -- 10.14 P

as we neared laramie, we passed the airport first. the limo driver, "doc," said that the airport lights were what "made laramie glisten," as matthew said to him.

we exited at exit 310, the u. of wyoming exit. upon arrival in downtown laramie, we hung a left to the campus.

chris mentioned that it didn't seem like an intimidating or frightening town--and it didn't. as mentioned in the play, it was just like any other town.

we passed saint mary's catholic church, where the vigil was held. as we drove through downtown laramie, casually looking for the fireside bar, a bright neon sign caught all of our eyes at...(end to be finished soon)

just here listening to some catie curtis and decided that the following song sums up my feelings on the linda situation:

in the middle of the night
in the middle of the bed
in the middle of something you just said
i couldn't hear the words
watching the face
move hands
explaining something

i don't remember
all i know is i was worried
getting to know you
should i leave
should i hurry

(chorus:)
wildflowers or weeds
i wonder what you think of me
i love you already
but when i look at myself
sometimes i feel like...
i'm a dandelion
like others you can't find

i got a new haircut
a pair of fancy shoes
and i been listening to the tunes
i have heard you talk about
don't want to be out
don't want you to think that
we have nothing in common
or i don't care if we
carry on a conversation
i'd speak if i could breathe

(chorus)

to myself i wonder why
what is it with this one
there must be ten million
others i could go too
i could feel it beside you
i can't do
anything about it
anything about the way i feel
i don't have to tell you
i'm so afraid i will

(chorus)

DAMN. ani difranco's "serpentine" is AMAZING. i highly suggest everyone to download it....

i have not been very tired lately. at all. i couldn't go to sleep until 3.30 last night. yep, and i had to be up at 7 to get ready for class. erg.

attempting to keep my bed in the VERY back of my mind...

the club was a crazy experience on saturday night. i had entirely too much alcohol and will not go into details of the night b/c of that :)...lots of beautiful women there though. i will say that.

i was recovering all day on sunday. totally threw off my plans on biking and being in the sun most of the day. i haven't ever had a hangover so trecherous. i can honestly say that i will not do that again anytime soon.

i talked to linda yesterday afternoon. something in the beginning of the conversation clued me in to something being different. and, sure enough, she and jess started seeing each other exclusively just before we talked. i wasn't exactly sure what to say after she told me....i think i said something to the effect of, "oh...well that's good. there probably always would have been that wonder if you two could have made something more of what you had."

linda has many patterns that show up in her life. the one i'm noticing most now is this:

having many casual relationships and later feeling that they deserved more of a chance than what she gave them. there was amy, now jess, and soon me. i would be shocked if i didn't become linda's girlfriend on down the road.

i'm not very sure how i feel about linda and jess. i know i'm disappointed. i really wanted to get up there this summer and let whatever happen that was meant to happen. now it doesn't look like much is going to happen. maybe i will find another girl up there this summer to make the linda thing easier.

something else very weird happened today. my friend, mitch, came into my room and told me that he had a confession to make. what could it be?--i was turning him on last night. why of course. couldn't you guess that one chairperson of the gay-straight alliance has a crush on the other chair who is the opposite sex?! he's gay; i'm gay. he's a guy; i'm a girl. how does this work? i'm as confused as i'm sure you are. i don't know how to process through this...perhaps i will be enlightened soon...understanding this would be great b/c i'm totally lost right now.

i am back on the mountain. i did not touch a computer the entire trip. it was kind of nice...

i journaled throughout the trip and plan on transferring entries onto this journal. that is soon to come. meanwhile, i'm going to nap, eat with ethan, shower, and go clubbin' in nashville. until then...

so..we (me, chris, and ethan) leave for california in about 3 hours. wow. can you imagine? me, chris, and ethan on the loose in california!? this shouldn't be legal...

i had a hard time sleeping last night. my throat was hurting, and my cough got worse. i woke up around 7.30 and went for a morning bike ride. it was nice. i sat out at the cross for a while and attempted to put my life in perspective. see...

linda called me three times yesterday...last night, she called just to say, "i can't make any promises about the summer but as of tonight, i am a single woman." she and jess broke off their open relationship. she thanked me for making her think about her life.

i am about to start packing now. i have one hour till i need to leave for class and i want to get my bags in my car before that...hopefully, i'll be able to find a computer to journal some happenings on the trip.

i just got done with the long-awaited conference call with my mom and brother. my eyes are filled with tears as i replay my mom's words, "i miss stacey...i really do." how have i let this happen? relationships w/your parents are supposed to be strong. i'm so glad that the lines of communication have been opened.

we came to the conclusion that i need to write jim, my step-dad, a letter. in it, i am to express my feelings about the instances that have occured in the past. i really don't want to write it. i am going to be in much pain having to remember all the bad-jim days.

it was really nice to talk to my brother--to hear his voice. i miss him so badly. he has earned a "home-visit," which is a four day vacation from school. too bad i will be in california over that time. i can't wait to see him again....

damn. the music store near sewanee has not gotten the new ani cd yet. erg. a truck comes in tonight.

i have a list of all the things i need to do today. its overwhelming...

after lots of talking to linda today, this is what has been said:

i want to be with her this summer.
i'm having trouble preparing myself for what may come (not being her gf).
i need some direction.
she can't give it to me.
but, the only way she can't see herself single is if jess decides to give them a real chance.
she thinks that it might deserve a real chance.
no she doesn't; she wouldn't really be with jess.
she will probably be single.
she feels bad because she really can't answer my question.
i knew she wouldn't be able to answer my question.
she can say that she really enjoyed the week that we spent "together."
that's all she can say.

thursday night's "talk back" session about "the laramie project" went well. four of us led the discussion and hit upon issues of fear on campus, religion and homosexuality, and the need for a gay community. we were having such a good discussion that they kicked us out of the theatre. so. we went to the pub and continued discussion. more discussion to follow i'm sure...

i spent the weekend in atlanta with ethan and chris. we went to this horrid club on saturday night. drugs and twinks were everywhere. there was one other lesbian in the place. a few more straight girls that were also on drugs. we are still trying to figure out why we stayed until 4 am.

linda called me friday night completely wasted. we had a very odd conversation about whether or not she was a bad person. she doesn't really remember it all that well, so we've decided to have it again soon.

on the way back from atlanta, we stopped at the park in chattanooga. we kicked the soccer ball around with some little kids. i tried to teach them the essentials...they got pretty good by the end of it. there were a few lesbians within kicking distance from us. the ball escaped and when i ran to get it, i kicked it back to the guys and stayed to talk with them. they were really cool, and cute. i want so badly to have some lesbian friends that i can go to the park with. its hard to find a scene that caters to the likings of gay males and lesbians for they are complete opposites. lesbians like bars and billiards while gays like clubs and malls; gay dislike bars and billiards while lesbians dislike clubs and malls. there isn't much of an overlap....

wow...the day continues to improve!! i just saw that ani has a new cd coming out on tuesday. she titled it "evolve," and it contains two great songs that i have heard in concert/on her dvd, "serpentine" and "slide." i guess i will be making a trip down the mountain to pick it up :) i bet i leave campus at 9.30--just after my class is over.

crying tears of joy has to be one of the best sensations...ever!

i can introduce my next girlfriend to my mom!! how exciting...

i feel so high...

my mom just called. she got the letter...here is a rough recap of our conversation:

me: hello?
mom: hey sis!
me: hey momma....(timidly, wondering if she got the letter yet)
mom: how are you?
me: ...good...(once again timidly)
mom: well, i got your letter and i don't have anything wrong with it.
me: oh...(lack of words)
mom: you know, i kind of suspected. i have been wondering about it for a while.
me: oh...(still no words)
mom: you are my daughter and i will always love you--no matter what. it just happens sometimes...
me: (mouth drops, tears begin to well)
mom: its nice to know why you have kind of isolated yourself from the family. i'm glad you told me.
(pause--i can't talk)
mom: you know, don't hesitate to let me know of things that you are dealing with because of it. i know i can't understand fully, but i would like to know. i know it has caused you a great deal of problems in the past.
me: yeah...
mom: and don't worry, i am not going to tell your father.
me: ok.
(pause)
me: i plan on writing brian a letter this week.
mom: ok...also i will talk to dr. ray (brian's psychologist) tonight about the conference call and let you know what we decide.
me: ok.
mom: well, i know you have somewhere to be right now..i just thought i'd call i just read the letter...i love you, sis!
me: i love you too.
mom: bye
me: bye

GEEZ! i can't believe it. it was that easy. okay. its going to be so hard to work tonight. i feel like celebrating!

oh yeah! i just remembered something that happened last night...

i was asleep, just sleeping peacefully...when all of a sudden i sat straight up in my bed, opened my eyes, and looked directly at the clock. 3.33 a.m.

it was the weirdest thing. almost as if to build on my 3.3.03 entry to make me feel more at ease about my mom's reaction...

rosilyn says that the letter will get there today. OH MY GOODNESS! my mom is going to know. i have done everything in my power to hide it from her for 7 years--what a huge change this is going to be...

the latin exam was hard, but i worked on it for an hour and fourty-five minutes--the last person to turn it in. i feel good about that. i tried my hardest. i just turned the last exam in without doing one of the translations.

the sun was out for most of the day again. ethan says that it is supposed to keep showing up in our sky to warm up our air. how exciting. anyways, i stayed awake as long as possible today and got a lot of stuff done. the only things i have left to mark off my "to do" list are "work-out" and "start brian's letter."

after dinnner i will be left with the letter and my entire night. hopefully, i will get myself to bed early tonight so that i can be alive tomorrow-not a painful awake like today. i gotta get changed now. ethan will be here soon to pick me up for the gym.

i made a mix cd last night that is amazing :)

in a few minutes, i'm going to start studying for my latin exam. i woke up mad at myself for not taking this exam/class seriously. though i'm not getting mad enough to change my performance.

i didn't sleep very good last night, so i'm extremely tired this morning. hopefully this wonderful coffee will wake me up and help motivate me to study...

so, the letter is on its way to mississippi. i do not know if i fully realize what i've done. i am happy that it is out of my hands though...

i went mountain biking just after i sent the letter...a very nice ride out to the cross. when i got there, i sat down on the grass overlooking the amazing view. i thought. and thought some more. and thought some more. i felt at peace on the ride home.

i have a latin test tomorrow that i still haven't started studying for. i don't care. it doesn't worry me. i think i'm going to read some more of "the celestine prophecy" and go to bed. i will wake up early and study a bit for the test. the world isn't going to end if i bomb it.

my mom is still trying to set up the conference call with me, her, and my brother. she is going to work on getting one on thursday or friday. this could be odd because she will have the letter by then.

i have such a busy week-work wise. yet, i only have motivation for personal growth. come what may...

i just realized...3.3.03

3 is her favorite number. how coincidental...

she is going to be so happy--this coincidence has helped me realize.

letter sent at 2.20 pm on march 3rd, 2003....

of course, the stamp that i bought said "love." so many underlying meanings:

-i love you
-you love me
-regardless of what is in this letter--love
-i love girls :)

okay, to anyone who has read "the celestine prophecy:" i started it last night just after i finished my entry. how weird is that?!

and guess what else...the sun has appeared! i actually have sunlight coming in my window.

i woke up and put on some new coffee--a dark bed and b'fast roast that i bought yesterday. it is wonderful.

and listening to natalie imbruglia...

what a great start to a new day :)

chris says that he thinks the sun has been highjacked. he says that someone should inform president bush and that this situation should be a higher priority than the war on terrorism.

when will we see the sun again? i can't remember the sensation of waking up to a sun-lit room.

i have been thinking about my life all day today--where i am, where i came from, and where i want to go. i know where i am compared to where i came from, but as for where i want to go from here i am lost. i'm having problems coming up with areas of myself that i'd like to better. perhaps i need to work on more personal areas than interpersonal areas. i would like to work out more often, to spend more time leisure reading, and to knock the dusk off my guitar and teach myself how to play some of the songs that mean so much to me.

i'd like to spend more time journaling as well. self-growth is such an essential part of my life. i work through my thoughts best when they are visible to me in word form.

i was hit with a wave of thankfulness today--while laying in my bed looking around my soothing room...i was not thanking anyone in particular. i was simply thankful. realized how fortunate i am. will i ever again feel like i need to direct those thanks towards something/someone? ...something that has been on my mind all day....

my sister says that i should not worry about my mom's reaction. she says that i am worrying too much. i do not know how not to worry. the fears that i have had for 7 years about her finding out are culminating here. i can't imagine having it out there--and for me to have put it out there...

wow. i have come a long way...

"i want to be able to wake up in the morning and know that someone is thinking about how much they love me. i want to know that i can call that someone at night as i'm going to bed and tell them, 'i love you, goodnight.' i want to know that as i am thinking about how much i love them, they are thinking about how much they love me."

--linda this morning on the phone....

makes me weak in the knees to think about being her "someone." we could have something so beautiful. we both know it.