linda and i are back on track. i feel really good about going to visit her in a week and a half. i am packing up my stuff now and will leave for utah in a couple hours. hopefully, all will go well there and i will be a free woman on the 3rd. from there i am going to atlanta to stay with chris and then to nashville to stay with molly. i will leave nashville on the 7th :)

this is a short entry b/c i'm in a huge rush. until i have time for more...

the days are progressively getting worse. i woke up this morning wrapped around my cat--this was the high point in my day. we opened presents at my dad's house then ate the third christmas dinner of the season. i can't really think of what set me off today.

after about 3 hours of feeling shitty, my dad came up to me and practically forced me into agreeing to go with my mom and sister to see relatives tomorrow morning. this is not good for many reasons, but i don't feel like getting into them.

linda just called. she told me something about talking to her ex. not a good feeling about this...

until later...

christmas day is about 45 minutes away. my day has been extremely hard. i woke up feeling bad about the party lasting so long last night. on top of that, i had a huge headache from the amount of beer i consumed. i rolled out of bed and my sister and i headed over to my mom's house, where i am spending the night tonight.

the day became hard when we started opening presents without my brother. it was very difficult. my mind was perseverating on his not being here. no matter how hard i tried, i could not stop thinking about him. it was like...the more i tried not to think of him, the more he was on my mind. i almost started crying many times during the present-opening process.

my mom got me a lot of clothes this year. when i opened the clothes, i could not even hide my dislike for them. this is atypical for me. i usually just smile and keep on going opening presents. this year, i took it to a whole new level. i realized that my mom gives me clothes that she would like to see me in--things that i wouldn't wear. they aren't me. she always buys me these really prissy sweathers and things. i feel like she doesn't know me. this was very upsetting as well. so many things were on my mind while we were opening presents. i'm astonished at how i made it through without breaking down.

in addition, my brother moved up a phase at his rehab institute this week. he was allowed to call us tonight as a reward for his accomplishment. we talked to him for about 25 minutes after our dinner. i was so torn up the whole time that i couldn't really say anything. i wanted to talk to him but couldn't--i would have just cried. he sounds good. he seems to have learned a lot about the wilderness. i hope he has learned as much about himself and his addiction problems as he has about camping. i can't wait to see him in a week.

i took two trips around town today by myself. i do this a lot when i'm at home. it is my release. i didn't feel much of a difference after my ride today. this worries me...

i talked to linda in the midst of all the craziness today. i was unable to really talk to her. she told me about her night last night and i told her about mine. i got off the phone thinking that the conversation was not what i wanted/needed it to be. she was asleep tonight when i called.

mitch called me tonight as well. he is going through some tough times. i kept saying, "i wish we were closer to each other cause i think we both just need huge hugs." i am off to bed--still in need of that huge hug...

wow. what a night. the party was GREAT. about 30 people here at all times. i started feeling bad that my dad and step-mom weren't able to go to sleep, so i kicked people out around 2.15. very very very good vibes from everyone. i miss my high school life i guess. anyways...i'm off to bed. goodnight all and have a merry merry c'mas.

lots of old high school faces will begin showing up in about 30 minutes. i am very excited about seeing some people and catching up. i'm wondering if i will notice any weird reactions to me now that i am out of the closet. hopefully it will be brought up by some people to keep it from being "this thing..that stacey is." i have no qualms about talking about it with people. in fact, i'd love to educate some close-minded mississippians on the subject.

my dad got our plane tickets to utah today. we leave on the 29th to stay in huntsville for one night. we fly from huntsville to utah on the 30th. we will come back to huntsville on the 2nd and i should be on my way to stay with various friends across the south on the 3rd. i will leave nashville for boston on the 7th. i'm very excited about my c'mas break. i have planned it well...

my sister and i finished up our shopping today. what a great day. no arguments or anything. perhaps this family thing can actually work out...

i'm off to prepare for guests...

i am sitting in my room, drinking a "kiwi strawberry kool-aid jammer." it is in the form of those capri-sun's that i used to take for lunch in elementary school. the packaging is kind of gross, yet pleasurable--popping the straw through the little hole without going straight through the back, blowing into it, watching it shrink as i drink....an unexpected flashback to childhood.

i am wrapping up my second full day at home. so far, my break has been pleasant. i got home around 6.30 on thursday night. i took my time getting home for two reasons: (1) rain and (2) an aversion to the closet. i psyched myself up the entire trip to drive straight to my mom's house and come out to her; so, i stopped at various bookstores along the way to find a book to give her about having a lesbian daughter. looking back, i don't know why i was so surprized when i didn't find a single book on the subject, as i was driving through the bible belt. while in tuscaloosa, i saw a car go spinning and twirling across the interstate. it went off the road backwards and slid all the way down the hill. i pulled over, jumped outta my car, ran down the hill (sliding all the way down), to see if the driver was ok. he was shaken up pretty bad but physically unharmed. i let him use my cell phone and took him downtown to a wrecker service. that vision has been haunting me ever since. i thought i was going to watch him die.

as i neared my mom's house, i played "welcome to my life" (see the 12.12 and 12.10 entries) to pump myself up a little more. i stepped out of the car and into the house. to my disbelief, my mom had just left to go to a christmas party. i have yet to tell either of my parents.

yesterday i had an appointment with my old othodontist. he is making a night gaurd for me so that i don't grind my teeth away before age 25. it will be waiting on me when i get back to sewanee. eric hartman, a dean of my college and close friend, called me yesterday morning with bad news. a friend of mine from sewanee passed away on thursday night. he was in a car wreck on his way home from school. the funeral is going to be on christmas eve, but i will not be able to make it. i have too many family things going on this christmas with my brother being gone already. i went out to eat with my family last night. a lot of the conversation was on my brother's transition and how he fell into this hole. i almost started crying on many occassions. i can't wait to see him, but i'm still very anxious about the inevitable emotions that i will have at that time. last night i went to starkville to some bars with my friend, beth. we had a blast. after the bars, we played trivial pursuit, drinking game style, until 2 am, went to eat, and i came back home.

i geared up and went biking for 2.5 hours today. i wasn't planning on staying out that long, but i got kind of lost on the trails. it was nice though. i never got too worried about finding my way out; i just kept on pedaling. when i got home, i helped my dad and sister finish assembling the basketball goal and played "pig" with them. the family has actually been a lot of fun thus far.

the big news for today deals with linda :) she went to a wedding in connecticuit today. she called me while she was on her way home and told me about how stupid she felt because she was hit on by the beautiful girl and didn't realize it till after she left. she told me that she at least could have told the girl that she thought she was beautiful. the end of the conversation was weird--she said something that made me feel that she regretting going on and on about this girl. everything was worked out within one minute (makes me think i am over my absurd jealousy tendencies). i went back to my movie. about 30 minutes later, i got another call from linda. she said, "i'm sorry i'm interrupting your movie. i won't keep you for long." i asked her what was up, to which she responded, "i think you're beautiful. i'm not sure if i ever told you, and i wanted to be sure that you knew. i think you're very beautiful, stacey."

okay, hold on. breathe.

i was speechless. i wanted to tell her that i think she is beautiful as well, but it would seem as though i was just saying it if i told her just after she told me. so i said thank you. she let me get back to my movie...i called her after the movie and told her that i might as well have stayed on the phone with her because my mind was not on the movie after her call. she told me that she is really excited about my coming to see her--as am i. excitement filled with fear. come what may :)...

my friend, jenny, called me tonight. she wanted me to meet her and some other friends at a bar. i wish that i hadn't of let my sister use my car. i would not be sitting her right now. we did make plans to have a party at my dad's house on christmas eve eve--in other words, monday night. the word is spreading already....should be lots of fun.

until later...

a latin final is the last thing that stands between me and freedom. i will be done with it tomorrow around 11. current plans for my break:

mitch and i are going to rearrange my room tomorrow night. i asked for a futon for christmas so that people that come to visit me will have a place to sit. wednesday, mitch and i are going to move him to another dorm. we will head opposite directions on thursday morning.

christmas this year will no doubt be a difficult one for my family, as my brother will not be out of rehab yet. i am, however, excited about seeing my friends from home.

on the 31st, my mom and i will drive to huntsville, where we will depart for utah to see my brother "graduate" from rehab. we will spend a couple nights in the wilderness with him and then take him to his new school in huntsville.

linda and i have started planning my trip to boston. i am going to fly from atlanta so that i can spend some time with my friend, chris. i am flying up there on tuesday, jan 7th and will leave the next monday. chris agreed to take and pick me up from the airport (if he doesn't end up coming with me). as for how time will be spend in boston, i will wake up wednesday morning and take linda to work. she has offered me her car while she is at work. she asked for thursday and friday off from work, so we will have much time to spend together. she told me that she's going to take me out to the country to see the stars. i suggested us taking my student from last summer to the movies together. linda knows my student well, as she was a teacher in her classroom. i am VERY excited about the trip.

excited, yet scared. what we are headed for is no little thing, and this trip is going to a time for decisions...

"falling is like this" -- ani difranco

you give me that look that's like laughing
with liquid in your mouth
like you're choosing between choking
and spitting it all out
like you're trying to fight gravity
on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this

feels like reckless driving when we're talking
it's fun while it lasts, and it's faster than walking
but no one's going to sympathize when we crash
they'll say "you hit what you head for, you get what you ask"
and we'll say we didn't know, we didn't even try
one minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky

i'm sorry i can't help you, i cannot keep you safe
i'm sorry i can't help myself, so don't look at me that way
we can't fight gravity on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this.

thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...

oh yes, an explanaition of the melissa ferrick song from the last post:

often times, people think that gay people live completely different lives than straight people. being gay is such a small part of my life; being gay is not all there is to me. what does who i choose to sleep with have to do with my relationship with you? i would like to "welcome people to my life" as melissa ferrick does so lovely through these lyrics.

in early august, linda and i went to the newport folk festival and saw, among others, melissa ferrick. when she played this song, lesbians and gay men stood up all around the lawn and began singing, holding hands, and showing affection for their partners--"not afraid of who they are." it was the most beautiful sight to see heterosexual parents letting their children dance with lesbian couples. heterosexual parents who understand that love is love no matter who it is between.

"how i love my life"--what a beautiful way to end the song. so powerful. i just want people to know that being gay does not mean that i live a miserable life. why do people think that?

i wish that "no one is afriad of who they are here" was generalizable to larger populations, rather than just people at melissa's shows. i dream of the day when people will no longer have to be afraid of who they are, no matter where they are. until then, i will continue to be an "out" lesbian at my small southern private college doing all that i can to "piss off the radical right," which is so present here...

welcome to my life -- melissa ferrick

come on in
yea, welcome to my life
i get up in the morning
grab a cup of coffee
i check out and pack my car

yeah, kick it in 5th gear
75 won't get you caught here
we're pulling into one more city
from the looks of it
all the girls are pretty

so i promise to grab my soul
and leave my ego at the door
i'm gonna open up my eyes

so come on and,
sing along if you want to
cry if you have to
lean back into your lover's arms
grab the hand of the person
standing right next to you
show them that nobody is afraid here
of who they are

yeah see
i got four bags and two guitars--three actually
my friend jen
who helps me remember
that its the fans who got me where i am
so if i close out a show
and i'm still 40 dollars in the hole
i put the room on plastic
and sleep another night
on an unfamiliar mattress
and wonder where you are

so i promise to grab my soul
and leave my ego at the door
i'm gonna try to open up my eyes

so come on and
sing along if you want to
cry if you have to
lean back into your lover's arms
grab the hand of a person, yeah,
standing right next to you, and
show them that you are not afraid
of who you are

no one is afraid of who they are here

so come on in, yeah,
welcome to my life
i get up in the morning
grab a cup of dunkin' donuts coffee
i check out and pack my car
and i wonder where you are

and i'm gonna meet you in
boise, boston,
chicago or new orleans,
in phoenix, miami,
atlanta or des moines,
well i'll meet you in
cleveland, charleston,
chapel hill or detriot,
in austin, in portland,
in arlington or brooklyn,
in hartford, in philly,
in denver or new york city...

yeah, welcome to my life
how i
love my life
oooo
thank you for my life

...the song that has more emotional attatchment for me than any other song. will explain what i get from the song in the next entry.

it is one a.m. and i am sleepless for various reasons:

research methods take-home test...might as well be in hell

autism paper

linda

heather

finals anxiety

i guess heather needs an explanation--i met her at the club on saturday night. while i was dancing, her friend came up to me and asked if i was single/gay because her friend had been checking me out and talking about nothing but me all night. so i introduced myself to heather. we danced, very close might i add, for the rest of the night. she bought me a beer and all that good stuff. we ended up going to an after-hours club with her. i was very cold on the walk to the car--she put her jacket on me. she paid my way in. she is just the type that i am looking for right now. i enjoyed her company thoroughly. she called me the afternoon after we met. we talked a couple times on sunday. she wants me to come back to nashville before i go home for c'mas....we'll see.

linda is still my priority...

feelings of anxiety when thinking of linda these past few days. i don't think i was quite ready to send her the entry from the 27th. we have talked about it a few times. ah. neither of us was ready for the word love to enter into this..even though it wasn't a LOVE i was talking about. i know i am not in LOVE with her yet, but i see it going in that direction...

i have a test and a paper due on tuesday. a proposal for an experimental design research project due as a final on the 16th, a political science final on the 16th, a latin final on the 12th, and a neuropsychology final sometime within in the next week. anxiety in most realms of my life right now...

mitch, chris, spacc (our gay faculty-advisor), and i are all going to a gay club in nashville tonight. i have yet to see the nashville scene...:)

my neuropsychology lecture went well. i filled the entire 75 minutes without any difficulty. some of my friends (chris, mitch, and sid brown) visited my class that day to hear my presentation. i presented with a 35 slide powerpoint presentation, video, and three handouts--hopefully an A.

since then, my week has been filled with nothing academic. i have four classes today and four total between monday and tuesday and then i'm done with class for the semester.

linda told me the other night that the day i left boston she told her friend, jess, that she thought that she could stay single till i was back in boston next summer and that she was happy just knowing that she'd found me and she knew i was out there...i think that captures where i am in the situation with linda. i sent her the journal entry from november 27th about the volcano. things are moving fast. we had a talk about where we stand last night. she says that she can't wait till i come visit over c'mas break....we're both trying so hard to keep expectations from seeping in, but i'm not sure how well this is working...

the custodians are cleaning my bathroom right now. an unlocked door is all that separates them from seeing me sitting here in a towel.

back at sewanee after an uneventful thanksgiving break...my mom's house went well. no run-ins with jim (the step-dad). i actually made a conscious effort to socialize with him. i'm very proud of my accomplishing such a feat. i also addressed a problem i have with my sister in a civil manner. things in the berry family are looking good--problems are being solved all-around.

i asked linda how i scared her, to which she replied, "my feelings for you scare me....(pause)....my feelings and the place that you are in your life." there seemed to be a long silence that i could not break with words for i had nothing to say. she told me that, although she was scared, she trusts me to make a logical decision. we talked that night from 2 am to 4 am. i was not able to fall asleep until 6 am. thoughts haunted me all night as to what i should do with our situation. i do not want to hurt her. i understand that we are in different places in our lives. she is nearing the point of settling down seriously with someone; whereas, i am in college and "living it up" or something of that nature. if i enter into a relationship with her, i will need to teleport myself to the place that she is in her life. settling down!? am i ready to stare that down with linda? these are decisions that must be made before christmas. it is comforting that she understands how huge of a deal it would be for me to make that committment. do i need to clarify again?--i like linda...A LOT!

i have a huge presentation tomorrow on the neurological correlates of autism. 75 minutes long. i am no where near prepared for what lies ahead. perhaps i will skip my two classes tomorrow morning to work on it...