i am sitting in my room, drinking a "kiwi strawberry kool-aid jammer." it is in the form of those capri-sun's that i used to take for lunch in elementary school. the packaging is kind of gross, yet pleasurable--popping the straw through the little hole without going straight through the back, blowing into it, watching it shrink as i drink....an unexpected flashback to childhood.

i am wrapping up my second full day at home. so far, my break has been pleasant. i got home around 6.30 on thursday night. i took my time getting home for two reasons: (1) rain and (2) an aversion to the closet. i psyched myself up the entire trip to drive straight to my mom's house and come out to her; so, i stopped at various bookstores along the way to find a book to give her about having a lesbian daughter. looking back, i don't know why i was so surprized when i didn't find a single book on the subject, as i was driving through the bible belt. while in tuscaloosa, i saw a car go spinning and twirling across the interstate. it went off the road backwards and slid all the way down the hill. i pulled over, jumped outta my car, ran down the hill (sliding all the way down), to see if the driver was ok. he was shaken up pretty bad but physically unharmed. i let him use my cell phone and took him downtown to a wrecker service. that vision has been haunting me ever since. i thought i was going to watch him die.

as i neared my mom's house, i played "welcome to my life" (see the 12.12 and 12.10 entries) to pump myself up a little more. i stepped out of the car and into the house. to my disbelief, my mom had just left to go to a christmas party. i have yet to tell either of my parents.

yesterday i had an appointment with my old othodontist. he is making a night gaurd for me so that i don't grind my teeth away before age 25. it will be waiting on me when i get back to sewanee. eric hartman, a dean of my college and close friend, called me yesterday morning with bad news. a friend of mine from sewanee passed away on thursday night. he was in a car wreck on his way home from school. the funeral is going to be on christmas eve, but i will not be able to make it. i have too many family things going on this christmas with my brother being gone already. i went out to eat with my family last night. a lot of the conversation was on my brother's transition and how he fell into this hole. i almost started crying on many occassions. i can't wait to see him, but i'm still very anxious about the inevitable emotions that i will have at that time. last night i went to starkville to some bars with my friend, beth. we had a blast. after the bars, we played trivial pursuit, drinking game style, until 2 am, went to eat, and i came back home.

i geared up and went biking for 2.5 hours today. i wasn't planning on staying out that long, but i got kind of lost on the trails. it was nice though. i never got too worried about finding my way out; i just kept on pedaling. when i got home, i helped my dad and sister finish assembling the basketball goal and played "pig" with them. the family has actually been a lot of fun thus far.

the big news for today deals with linda :) she went to a wedding in connecticuit today. she called me while she was on her way home and told me about how stupid she felt because she was hit on by the beautiful girl and didn't realize it till after she left. she told me that she at least could have told the girl that she thought she was beautiful. the end of the conversation was weird--she said something that made me feel that she regretting going on and on about this girl. everything was worked out within one minute (makes me think i am over my absurd jealousy tendencies). i went back to my movie. about 30 minutes later, i got another call from linda. she said, "i'm sorry i'm interrupting your movie. i won't keep you for long." i asked her what was up, to which she responded, "i think you're beautiful. i'm not sure if i ever told you, and i wanted to be sure that you knew. i think you're very beautiful, stacey."

okay, hold on. breathe.

i was speechless. i wanted to tell her that i think she is beautiful as well, but it would seem as though i was just saying it if i told her just after she told me. so i said thank you. she let me get back to my movie...i called her after the movie and told her that i might as well have stayed on the phone with her because my mind was not on the movie after her call. she told me that she is really excited about my coming to see her--as am i. excitement filled with fear. come what may :)...

my friend, jenny, called me tonight. she wanted me to meet her and some other friends at a bar. i wish that i hadn't of let my sister use my car. i would not be sitting her right now. we did make plans to have a party at my dad's house on christmas eve eve--in other words, monday night. the word is spreading already....should be lots of fun.

until later...