christmas day is about 45 minutes away. my day has been extremely hard. i woke up feeling bad about the party lasting so long last night. on top of that, i had a huge headache from the amount of beer i consumed. i rolled out of bed and my sister and i headed over to my mom's house, where i am spending the night tonight.

the day became hard when we started opening presents without my brother. it was very difficult. my mind was perseverating on his not being here. no matter how hard i tried, i could not stop thinking about him. it was like...the more i tried not to think of him, the more he was on my mind. i almost started crying many times during the present-opening process.

my mom got me a lot of clothes this year. when i opened the clothes, i could not even hide my dislike for them. this is atypical for me. i usually just smile and keep on going opening presents. this year, i took it to a whole new level. i realized that my mom gives me clothes that she would like to see me in--things that i wouldn't wear. they aren't me. she always buys me these really prissy sweathers and things. i feel like she doesn't know me. this was very upsetting as well. so many things were on my mind while we were opening presents. i'm astonished at how i made it through without breaking down.

in addition, my brother moved up a phase at his rehab institute this week. he was allowed to call us tonight as a reward for his accomplishment. we talked to him for about 25 minutes after our dinner. i was so torn up the whole time that i couldn't really say anything. i wanted to talk to him but couldn't--i would have just cried. he sounds good. he seems to have learned a lot about the wilderness. i hope he has learned as much about himself and his addiction problems as he has about camping. i can't wait to see him in a week.

i took two trips around town today by myself. i do this a lot when i'm at home. it is my release. i didn't feel much of a difference after my ride today. this worries me...

i talked to linda in the midst of all the craziness today. i was unable to really talk to her. she told me about her night last night and i told her about mine. i got off the phone thinking that the conversation was not what i wanted/needed it to be. she was asleep tonight when i called.

mitch called me tonight as well. he is going through some tough times. i kept saying, "i wish we were closer to each other cause i think we both just need huge hugs." i am off to bed--still in need of that huge hug...