i have a paper due in my women's studies class tomorrow. i have chosen to do it on lesbian mothers...

as i sit here reading about the origin family's role in the lives of lesbian couples and their children, i am deeply saddened. i am so tired of wondering what my mom's reaction is going to be. as i read about the lack of grandparent support of lesbian mothers i feel utterly helpless. it seems as though i will have to endure struggles throughout my entire life--in all the decisions that i make.

my relationship with my mom is already suffering. do i tell her? or will that make it worse? what is her reaction going to be? do i even want to know? the risks...huge.

i want so badly for a relationship with my mom. if i come out to her, i will be completely vulnerable. yet, coming out to her feels like the only path to rekindling the relationship. maybe i am refraining from telling her because i know it is the last chance...

can i handle not ever having a relationship with my mom?

i need hope. i need out of here. being so far removed from the gay community is really having an effect on me. i am tired of having to wear my sexuality; i am tired of being known as the token lesbian. i just want to live in a community where i do not stand out. i am tired of the attention.

but my community needs it--the token. why did i choose this school? i am loosing hope.

i plug along by fantasizing about one day living a private life with my wife, pondering together upon whether or not to have children, and cooking meals together.

as for now, i live that life through the music of catie curtis and melissa ferrick. they bring the gay community into my room on this overwhelmingly heterosexual campus.

i cry--for i know i must come out to my mom. i cannot take it any longer. she deserves to know why i have walls up. if she cannot accept me then at least i can live my life knowing that i tried to have a relationship with her.

off to write her a letter...if i don't finish the paper i don't care. i cannot worry with school work right now. i am not in a mental/emotional state to worry about anything but my bond with my family. the time is now. i have to do this.