i am extremely sad right now. today i got a letter in the mail from my mom. it reads:

dear stacey -

i would rather call you tonight but i'm so teary-eyed that it wouldn't be good. i just wrote brian a note, too. mr. ray said that he got out to the school around 10.30 this a.m. and said all went well at the group home and that brian said he slept fine. i will talk to brian tomorrow night on the phone.

stace-i really appreciate you opening up (on sunday) to me. i have mentioned to your dad that i have been concerned about your emotional state. i am so glad you are seeking help. all that bottled up anger surely must affect you in a lot of ways. you have helped me to look at things with me and jim. i am not happy for many reasons and incidences in the past. sometimes i think he is something like my dad was--selfish, immature, and of course manipulative! i'vee got to look this straight in the eye and do whatever it takes to get out of the middle of you kids on one side and jim tugging me towards him. i am very strong and even stronger when the issues are with you, brian, and debbi. it's not safe to shove me in a corner and jim will see that.

i have done a good deal of looking at this situation and must do more. i will not let jim come between you and me. please let me know how you feel truthfully. let your guard down with me, please! i am your mom and i can't bear to think that we can't overcome this. no one will be allowed to come between me and my kids EVER! none of us are perfect--we will always have issues to work on but let's do it together.

i love you,
mom

why does the idea of getting close to my mother sicken me? is this normal? regardless, i need to get over it. but how?

perhaps, i feel animosity towards my mom for not allowing me to feel (safe?) enough to tell her i'm gay--and that has caused this relationship to counter-develop. or perhaps no parent could have provided me that (safety) to tell them. maybe its me. but what does it matter? it probably doesn't even have to do w/my being gay. what went wrong? why have i cut myself off from my mother?

i got an email from her today. she and dr. ray are trying to set up a conference call with me, my bro, and my mom. my brother begged dr. ray to let me in on the call this week. i feel sorry for my brother. it seems like all the family problems are being placed on him in one big heavy load. i feel like i should be right there with him. i guess i really feel this way because that realization is bringing tears to my eyes.

more later...