yesterday, i felt completely severed from my environment. other words to explain my state: aloof, spacey, non-compliant. by nightfall, i became quite bothered by incapability to focus. this was mostly because i wanted to have a nice, intellectual conversation with kate. ugh how frustrating.

today, however, seems better. i've had complex thoughts meandering through my mind all day.

i'm really excited about kate coming up here. she will be here one week from right now. yikes! i'm really excited about some plans i've made for us on thursday night, but i cannot type them on here b/c i'm keeping it a secret from kate, who reads my entries :) otherwise, i have no clue what will happen for the rest of her week here. gotta get on that i guess.

(sorry this is choppy)...

i brought my student over to my apartment today after school. she came running upstairs, took off her shoes, and jumped onto my bed. we napped, woke, and headed back to lexington for a therapists' meeting that ended up being completely pointless to attend. on the way home, i grabbed some thai food from a place down the road and rented "i am sam" and "memento" from blockbuster--plan on watching one right after i finish this entry...

...which is boring me as i type it, so i can't help but think that you are bored as well. i will end it now.

last night while talking to kate online, fitz came in and asked if i'd be interested in having some beers and food at a pub in jamaica plains. so i said bye to kate and headed out with him. we went to this place called "doyle's" and had a pizza with pepperoni, green peppers, and mushrooms. it was sooo good. in fact, i'm craving more now. i had a beer that i didn't too much enjoy--the tremont ale. after another beer and a long talk about my dad's buisness and the behaviorist approach to psychology, we headed back for the apartment. there was some huge festival going on in jamaica plains that caused a lot of detouring on our part. does anyone know what this was all about?

anyways, i got back here and had another beer and after a bit of socializing with the roomies i got in bed. kate called me sometime, and we ended up talking for nearly 2 hours--very nice conversation. that's about all the updating i can do now :)

my life has taken an unexpected, yet welcomed, turn since my last post. i haven't written in a while because i wanted to write without taking away the joy from what's happening in my life. i'll try to recap the entire week....

monday was uneventful.

tuesday was a day of hell at school. the kids were wild, elena had a difficult day, and i worked 9 straight hours. i'm pretty sure that it was tuesday after work, when i went to old navy and got two pair(s?) of jeans and a t-shirt for fifty bucks. man i love old navy. fitz, one of my roomates, rented "a beautiful mind," so we all (fitz, blair, and i) watched it.

wednesday i didn't have to be at work until noon...so i enjoyed a nice nights sleep. got to elena's house and took her to a park in arlington, which was absolutely incredible. the view is amazing. i plan on making frequent trips because they have soccer goals WITH nets!! wednesday night was the most eventful part of my week. i will explain later in the entry, because it deserves more than a quick summary.

thursday was cool...i was completely out of it at work because my thoughts were isolated to the subject from the night before (see lower). i worked for eleven hours...during this time, i took elena out to the walden pond (yes, thoreau's) area to this place called "the food project." in addition to being completely out of my comfort zone (picking veggies from the field), i was hit on by a native african. later, i found out from amy (elena's mom) that this guy was a refuge from somalia that hiked a helluva long way to freedom from the civil wars in his homeland. i'm so interested in talking to him again about his escape...but it doesn't look like i'll get that chance. thursday night was uneventful.

yesterday was a great day at school. linda was the only teacher in the classroom and we talked a lot about our relationships and stuff. she said she'd be interested in playing soccer with me this weekend if i went out. amy was an hour and half late getting home from work, so i was stuck w/elena for 9 hours. days with an autistic child are so hard when you can't take a break. i got home, had a beer, and decided to go to sleep. climbed in the bed, and then blair got home screaming at me to wake up. so i woke up and after another beer, we ended up going to grab some food. the night was another one of those things where i'm thinking it's just a cool friend type deal and he's trying to formalize it to the date level. he insisted upon us sitting and eating on this bench. he was flirting like mad, and i was totally disinterested. i feel so bad sometimes b/c great guys deserve a chance, but i'm just no into them. so, anyways, i'm all like i can't finish this burrito and he says well don't cause you need room for the ice cream we are about to go get. ugh. what should i have done?! i was planning on coming out to him last night, but it would've been so cold to do that in the setting in which i found myself. so we go rent "the royal tenebaums" and grab some ice cream on the way back to the apartment. i sacked out on one couch and him on the other within the first thirty minutes of the movie.

i woke up this morning around 10.30 and jumped right into the shower. i called linda after i got out to see if she was still interested in kicking the ball around. she was around my area, so she picked me up and we headed out to the park in arlington (see above). i think we played around for a couple hours and talked about the thing from wednesday night (see below), relationships, and college stuff. i like linda a lot. she's down to earth, comfortable with herself in every way, and a great person to talk to about things going on in life. we'll probably be hanging out a lot for my remaining three weeks in the city. which brings me up to present...i just got outta the shower and am now finished brainstorming about my past week.

so here it is: the highlight of my week (wednesday night). after talking to kate on aol for around, oh i don't know an hour or two, i underwent an emotional explosion--my feelings for kate being the cause of such an event. at the time, she was explaining why she has been listening to "lullaby" type songs lately. however, her explanation was not the catalyst for my fluster, for as i was reading it i was not able to understand the words/phrases. my feelings for her had overcome me to the point of my having no control over my thoughts. i told her that i needed to go think for a while and that i would be back soon. i walked around the apartment for a few minutes trying to regain control of my thoughts. along with feeling dizzy, i could literally feel my skull bulging from the many thoughts/feelings within. i have never felt such an incredible thing...i came back, and kate immediately asked me what was going on. i knew she would, but i was still unsure of whether or not i should tell her. to make a long, somewhat embarassing, story short, hints were thrown around and finally after thinking she knew what it was i sent her my horoscope (which perfectly predicted this situation). the subject was narrowed a little by this, but kate was still worried that she might not be right. anyways...we became sure that we were on the same page and she told me that she had the feelings too. since wednesday night, we have decided to "let life lead us where it may" (as kate beautifully says). she's on her way up here for a week on august 5th. come what may :)

so i'm extremely happy with our relationship and its present ambiguity. i have been shocked by my comfort level of thoughts of kate in this "different" way. if kate and i do enter a relationship together, i know it will be one of sincerity, honesty, and beauty.

the only thing i ended up doing yesterday was laundry. oh well. i had some hilarious conversations with kate, and later with her little sister, holly. i fell off my chair in the midst of talking to them. i am well bruised from this decline to the floor. one arm has a scratch/bruise and the other elbow is blue. i made such a thump when i hit the floor that my roomates came running. haha. i guess i need to quit trying to be so limber...

so i'm about to leave for work, and i'm not awfully excited about it b/c linda will not be there. what is to come with this whole linda thing?? i'm so interested to find out.

anyways..this is a really short entry because i have to get on the road....

i woke up around 3.30 today. slept a solid 11 hours or so. last night was great. i got to my friends' place around 11 and had a few drinks. around 12.30, we decided to head out to a party in chinatown. after finding this hard-to-find loft, we had to spend about five minutes explaining to the doorgirl that we had no cash to pay the ten dollar cover. a girl that was with us knew the guy that lives in the loft, so we finally got in for free.

after five minutes or so of my mouth hanging wide open, we found the bar. they served us straight liquor to the rim of our styrofoam cups--my mouth was forced shut after gulping the first sip of brandy. this party was like nothing i have ever (or will ever again) experience. the place was partitioned off into several rooms, tapestries hung from the nearly 20 foot high ceiling, chains attached to metal shelves which held candles were also hung from the ceiling, blacklights everywhere, a webcam hooked up to a laptop which was in turn hooked to a projector distorted pictures on the wall with the help of a man-operated controller. i think you may be starting to get the picture...but there is more. turntables, a percussion section with bongos and such, "spinners" (spin fire) with glow in the dark paint on instead of clothes, another room full of bongs of unbelievable size. the only drawback to this place was its having only one bathroom. i was in awe the entire time we were there. it was the type of party that i knew went on, but didn't know that it could actually be in the dimension in which i am living....:)

we left the party and i caught a cab to my area with another girl that lives in brookline. i took a shower and went to sleep within 30 min of being home. besides the party, i was quite impressed with my friends' new apartment. they are right on top of beacon hill in the center of boston.

today, i really am going to call linda...i'm going to read more of "fortune's rocks," write a letter to my friend, and do laundry. i need to go to the grocery store, but i'm really not motivated to do this, so it probably won't happen. i will probably write again tonight...

so far, today has been relaxing. i woke up around 11 and had cereal and toast. while i was eating the toast, i heard a lot of banging from the porch. timidly, i proceeded over to see what it was--a squirrel. there is one window that does not have a screen. i guess the squirrel came through this window and was trapped. he was going ballistic--jumping from window to window, knocking over blair's paintings, spinning off the tire on the bike that hangs in there. i felt sooo bad for the poor guy. so i decide to try to lead him to the "escape window" by a trail of bread. my being on the porch was not such a good idea, for he became even more ballistic. so i left a huge piece of the bread by the window and proceeded back to my toast. i went back about 10 minutes later, to find that the little critter took off w/the prize and out the window. after watching some tv, i came back and was scared shitless of the little fellow making a return visit--there was more bread in the porch. i left him alone, and he found his way out. i guess squirrels aren't all that dumb.

anyways...that was something a little out of the ordinary that happened today. otherwise, i read more of anita shreve's "fortune's rocks." its sucking me in. i'm about to read another chapter before heading to a party. maybe i will write more on the book's progression when i get back tonight.

that last post was cut incredibly short because i forgot that i should wrap the present before the party. i came to this realization and hopped into my car immediately. i rushed through cvs, only to get a call on the way home that the people picking me up were gonna be late. so i slowed down and wrapped the present. the party was nice. it was hard not prompting elena like i do at school. i had to remind myself to let her do whatever since it was her bday.

its been such a long time since i've written. a LOT has happened in the past five days. after a therpist meeting on monday night, i go a call from some friends wanting to know if i was interested in going to eat w/them. i accepted....weird night. it was me, steph and david (couple), and blair, a roomate. i've realized that he likes me a lot...he wanted to pay for my meal and get my drinks. i did not let him...just weird vibes all night long. too bad i am not into him at all. he did buy me ice cream at jp licks after dinner, for i had no more cash on me. it seemed as though everyone but me considered the night a double date. weird.

so, monday and tuesDAY were GREAT. tues night, my ex called me and told me that she "had someone special in her life." our situation is a little hard to explain, but her calling and telling me this was WAY out of line. here is an excerpt from an email i wrote to her today that will describe the situation:

"no matter how you rationalized yourself in telling me that you "have someone special in your life," i don't buy it. i know what you were thinking: i want to tell her to see her reaction and let her know that i'm not sweating her anymore...and i know that's wrong...so if she gets pissed and asks me why i told her that i can simply cover it up by acting like i truly did not know that it would make her feel that way. i can just say that i wanted to hurry up and get to the "friend" point in our relationship.

just before you tell someone something like that, you get this rush of adrenaline to see how they react. i just hate to think that you could think of nothing but the rush. you gotta start thinking of my feelings. if you care so much about me...that should not have come out of your mouth.

...(more stuff here)

so, all i can say now is that it is going to take some time...some serious time. my self worth is so much higher than you have been treating me lately, and i simply choose not to subject myself to being treated like this.

please do not call me.

harsh? maybe...but warranted. there is much more that i will not share on here....

in the midst of this hell, i went to the bisexuals meeting. it was GREAT. the girls there were able clarify, in words, some of my complex thoughts that i haven't ever seen with such clarity. i love it when this happens. i plan on going back on aug. 6th for another meeting.

wednesday night, i talked to kate quite a bit. in my life, not many people have been able to tell me things about myself that i didn't already accept/know. but kate...boy did she hit it on the head. she told me that i just needed to admit that i was a lesbian. she went on to say that every time i call myself bisexual something in her does not sit right. haha....basically, i realized that i am not being fair to guys by telling them that i'm bisexual. most guys take this as their having a 50% chance, when dealing with me, this is more like a 0.1 % chance. labels are shit, but its getting to the point where i would probably call myself a lesbian before bisexual. technically, i do still like guys....but so few that bisexual doesn't seem to fit me. so here: i like girls 99.9% more than boys. what do you call me?

last night i went on a date :). GO ME!! yesterday, work was very exciting. the girl i work with, linda, is a lesbian. there was some talk about "gay" stuff...and then right before i left, she asked if i would be interested in going to this gay club on friday night...(not this friday for she is outta town). so...i said yea and to just give me a call. she said that she had my cell # from when i called her before. so, i came home and took a nap....woke up and decided to call her to see if she'd be interested in getting a bite to eat after a meeting she had w/work. she called me and said that she had plans with a friend that was in town from arizona, but that i was more than welcome to join her. so i did. we ate at boston beer works and followed that with a few games of pool at boston billiard's club. completely innocent night...which was NICE. i am really into her. but there are a lot of things that need to be clarified in our relationship. for example, i am leaving in one month. we'll see what comes. i plan on calling her today to tell her what a great time i had.

i'm really tired of writing. there is so much more to be said, but my hands hurt from typing. i will continue some other time.

the weekend has been uneventful. friday, i jumped on the t and explored the city. my goal was to find my sister and brother birthday presents. failed. friday night, blair and i sat around the apartment drinking beers and listening to music. quite a nice time. saturday, i slept until 3 pm. don't ask me how i managed to sleep that long. i think i slept around 14 hrs. yesterday afternoon/early evening, i wrote another story. its no where near being finished, but i'm really into it--will put it on my homepage once i get that up and running. last night i declined an invitation to a party b/c my stomach was upset. wish i could have gone :(

i'm up early this morning because my student, elena, is having her 5 year old birthday party.

synopsis of past two days: yesterday, i worked (without a break) from 8.30-7. i treated myself to thai food on the way home and crashed on my poor excuse for a bed, also known as a futon. yesterday sucked royally. today has been 'pleasant.' i worked from 8.30-1, came home and lazed around, went to wilson's farm in lexington to pick up some goods, and chilled listening to music with blair.

blair is by far the roomate with whom i am the closest. he loves my musical tastes and i his. he is taking an intensive chemistry course at harvard so i don't get to see him too much these days. i'm pretty sure he's figured out that i'm gay (bi-same thing). he read a message from kate on aol, which pretty much gave it away-or at least made him suspect. then he was going through my cd's and commenting on my having a lot of tori amos and indigo girls. haha. it does not bother me in the least. i am to the point where, if my family finds out i will only be stressed the first day or two. after that the relief will prove worth it.

my ex just called me. i cannot express how disrespected she made me feel. wow. i won't go into what she was saying, b/c it is a little on the personal side--just know that when you break up with someone, you cannot expect for things only to change on your end. the other person WILL get tired and change as well. ugh...i can't believe that conversation...

i'm planning on attending a meeting/debate with this bisexual women's group here in boston next tuesday. hopefully i won't chicken out, cause it'd be a great opportunity to meet some gay people up here. also next week, i've made plans to meet up with a new friend kim and hang out on the town.

thought from today: love at first sight---does it really happen? not sure...but i was thinking about girls (and boys, actually) that i am attracted to, when the one thing that they all have in common occured to me: within the first five minutes of observing/talking to them i knew whether or not i could fantasize/have sex with them. i can't say for sure if this is a foreshadowing of love, because i've only truly been able to experiment with one person. the number of people that this has happened with is few--the 'attraction' that i am referring to is not a typical attraction; for, i am pretty strick with the people with whom i would sleep. this is becoming quite complicated to explain....and its not really worth it. in sum, i basically came to the conclusion that i have a great "'like' at first sight" skill....i can think of around 15 fitting examples of people and the precise moment at which i met/first encountered each of them. as my relationships with them have grown, i realize more and more that i could have more than just sex with them (more sensual not necessarily love making).

i realized something else about myself today that makes me very happy...it grew from the previous thought (^). my attractions are more often than not based upon personality than physicality. so many people say that its all in the personality, but would be biased against dating someone with little physical beauty. i'm proud that i am not one of these hypocritical people. i can honestly say that personalities attract me no matter what physical attributes are connected. granted--my ideal personality is an athlete/nature lover/etc, but but that as anything else could be compromised for different personality traits (when you take something away, its gotta be given to someone/thing else). kinda reminds me of entropy if anyone knows anything about bio..that will help you understand what i'm trying to say here....

well i think that's about it for today. i'm about to lay in my bed and attempt an "olympia" (see 6 july entry) by trying my hand at writing a short story. i have this feeling that i could put a little something together right now....we'll see how it goes :)

lately, i've been instant messaging with my only real bisexual friend, kate. we've been having great conversations about past relationships, music, surprising attractions, and opening up

first, past relationships--why is it so hard to get over old girlfriends/boyfriends? my present situation is a messy one that wraps, twists, and folds over itself infinately many times over. so i won't get into it, but i do want to say that jealousy is the root of all evil. i've been trying to mentally experience myself in the third person ever since the entry from 7 july. i've found that my jealousy is the reason for most of my flawed actions/thoughts. as of today, i am making a conscious effort to redirect my jealous feelings. i've found that its a pretty hard task, and i will keep you informed on how i've managed to succeed (hopefully) in doing this....

music--ani rocks. i failed at an attempt to send her some of my sekou sundiata songs over aim. she told me about norah jones, who opened the nashville indigo girls show that kate went to. (BTW norah jones is hot!)

suprising attractions--kate and i have both at a lack of words for our being attracted to butch girls. maybe one or two in particular...(won't share that here :)

opening up--i think most people, me especially, have a hard time opening up (or letting down their gaurds). once people finally do reach out for others, it is a travesty for the 'others' to half-ass listen. i wish the world were better listeners. i often worry that my true listening skills are lacking....that i will not be able to respond in the way needed. i often fear that i will make the turtle sink back into his shell when someone opens up to me (another one of my off the wall analogies). guess i'll just have to work on this as the situations arise...

on a lighter note--i've been tripping a lot lately. i don't know what the hell my problem is. normally when i trip, i don't get too embarassed, but since i've been in boston i just feel like a 1000 more people are watching when i trip...and i get quite embarassed. haha...no point to telling that story

i had a weird detailed thought today while driving to work. i began wondering what radio stations other people were listening to. i briefly thought it would be the coolest thing in the world to have the supernatural power to see (on some sort of monitor hovering each car) what station they were on. odd huh? the thought goes on...i got tired of staring at passing cars to see if anyone was singing along with the song that was on "my" station, so i started thinking about how cool it would be if i could see people thoughts on the same "car-hovering" monitors. this soon became the coolest supernatural power to have....don't ask...i can't explain.

two posts again today....impressed?

today has ended up being a peaceful day, enveloped in thought-thoughts about love, relationships, and the ability to express oneself in words. i'm currently listen to the sounds of sekou sundiata, to whom i have taken quite a liking. i found out about him through ani's new dvd that i bought yesterday. he was one of her old poetry teachers. i've downloaded all his stuff from kazaa and am in awe of his ability to use words. his music is super chill if anyone is interested in some great spoken word....

the occurance earlier this morning with the phone call has been all but forgotten. i called my ex and made up. seems i do a lot of that lately--trying to keep relationships pleasant. perhaps it is because i'm so tired the them turning 'sour' (to use kate's term).

i want to fall in love-again. i need something-something new upon which i can give myself one hundred percent. i need an outlet-both sexually and emotionally.

until tomorrow...

Scorpio

Horoscope (by astrocenter.com)
You may find yourself sparring with someone today, dear Scorpio, and if you are not careful, a world war might break out. Your emotional side is being pulled upon and you are not likely to back down any time soon. You know what you want and you are ready to stand up for it. Just beware that your opponent is just as adamant about his/her position as you are about yours. Wear your suit of armor.

there you have it--the first and only thing that happens to me thus far on this day. wow...i read this horoscope just before hearing my cell phone ring. it was my ex on the other end--she had some beef with me about why i didn't call her last night. its so funny how a person see so vividly how he/she is being wronged, yet remain completely oblivious how s/he is wronging someone (in this case the same person) in the same way. sometimes i wish that everyone could experience themselves in the third person through a friend/family member/partner.

horoscopes really surprise me sometimes in how accurate they are. most of the time it is not some type of subconscious thought trying to mold my day to the horoscopes prediction for i most often happen upon my horoscope after the day's completion. just sucks that i was in this completely peaceful state after the completion of last night. as for the rest of the day, i will try to recreate that state by reading, downloading ani songs, and possibly by playing some soccer with blair.

two posts in one day...wow i must have a lot on my mind :)

i'm reading a few books right now--one being anita shreve's "fortune's rocks." i'm on page 41 and completely addicted. her writing style is so poetic. i am in a completely relaxed state the entire time my attention is focused upon her words. the following passage describes my mental state over the past couple of weeks:

"it is the late morning of the day of the summer solstice, and through an open window olympia is trying to capture on her sketch pad the look of a wooden boat, unpainted, its sails old, a dirty ivory. but she is not, she knows, terribly gifted as an artist, and her attempts to render this boat are more impressionistic than accurate, the main purpose of her sketching being not so much to improve her drawing skills as to provide herself with an opportunity for idle thought. for at this time in her life, olympia is much occupied with the process of thinking: not constructive thinking necessarily, and nothing that will produce brilliant solutions to problems, but rather drift thinking, like dreaming, the thoughts moving randomly from one place to another, picking something up, looking at it, putting it down again, the way people move through shops. ...so her sketching is a ruse for a larger scheme. but though it is, and she is more than a little content simply to be left alone on a bench in the chapel...."

anita shreve could not have described better the place i currently find myself in my life. tonight, however, i am left pondering upon the timing of such an event. i am in boston for the summer; yet, my own presence is enough to keep me content. am i taking my surroundings forgranted? is this even a healthy situation?

wow! so many thoughts about this. too many to type....if you have an input, email me at stacey1181@yahoo.com

i slept for nearly 14 hours the night of the fourth. the bahamas completely wore me out i guess....

yesterday, i woke, showered, and ran some errands. last night, we went out to dinner at this local korean/japanese/thai place. the food was alright...i wasn't too impressed. we rented a movie, apocalypse now, on the way home. when we got home, we realized that they key (that normally sits on top of the door) was inside our apartment. we were locked out...

so, two of the guys that i live with started scaling the building in attempt to crawl through a window to our second floor apartment. this did not work....so they went into a neighboring apartment and asked the girls that live there if they could use their roof access to get down ours and hopefully into our apartment. steph and i were outside talking when huge bangs began echoing from our apartment. the roof access door in our apartment was locked and the guys were trying to kick it open.

after the guys returned, they went to check the basement for a ladder. they came back with one as a neighbor, walking his dog, passed by. he offered to let us use his ladder, which was much larger. finally we got into the apartment and took his ladder back. i'm guessing we stood outside for 2 hours trying to break into our apartment. looks as though we learned our lesson the hard way....

i fell asleep during the movie and later moved to my bed, where i slept soundly through the night. that's about all that's happened lately...blair, one of my roomates, and i are going to a local field to play soccer later in the afternoon. otherwise, i'll write more tomorrow...

the bahamas were much better than expected. none of the usually berry family vacation issues like in the past. for instance, my family was in pensacola, fl for a week on vacation....i could not go b/c of work--i get a call at the house that one of our waverunners had washed up on shore and the coast guard was holding it for us. so it ends up that someone forgot to hook the anchor up one night and it drifted away. this is a typical situation in the berry household. none of that though, so i was impressed.

sunday night was lame. i got to my hotel around 4:00 pm and began exploring. i walked over to a bar on the beach and tried the local beer, kalik. it was ok. nothing like canadian beer though :(. i got some food and headed for the lobby to wait on my family to arrive. we checked in, went to dinner, then to sleep. monday was filled with water slides, beaches, and parasailing. my brother and i decided to parasail and didn't think too much about it until we were being fastened into the chute. parasailing is amazing, especially around an island. tuesday consisted of more water slides, beaches, and a great show at joker's comedy club. the show's host, and two headliners were hilarious. wednesday we headed for blue lagoon island where we got to swim with sting rays, paddle boat, kayak, snorkel, lay in hammocks, and listen to some great local music. the sting rays were by far the best part of this day. we got to feed them and everything. they had an albino-one of four recorded in the world.

we had a few nice, dress up dinners, which i will try to get some pictures (of me dressed up) uploaded for you. i'm back in boston, once again left wondering how i've let the past week go by already. lately, i have been toying with the thought that each and every moment will only happen the exact way it is happening this one time. i'm not sure why this thought keeps occuring, but it makes me 'seize the moment,' which is a positive thing.

its the fourth of july and i feel sort of pathetic b/c its too hot/i've had too much sun to follow through with my plans for tonight. so i'm gonna hang out here with one of my roomates and have some beers. perhaps i'll fall asleep reading a book later on....