that last post was cut incredibly short because i forgot that i should wrap the present before the party. i came to this realization and hopped into my car immediately. i rushed through cvs, only to get a call on the way home that the people picking me up were gonna be late. so i slowed down and wrapped the present. the party was nice. it was hard not prompting elena like i do at school. i had to remind myself to let her do whatever since it was her bday.

its been such a long time since i've written. a LOT has happened in the past five days. after a therpist meeting on monday night, i go a call from some friends wanting to know if i was interested in going to eat w/them. i accepted....weird night. it was me, steph and david (couple), and blair, a roomate. i've realized that he likes me a lot...he wanted to pay for my meal and get my drinks. i did not let him...just weird vibes all night long. too bad i am not into him at all. he did buy me ice cream at jp licks after dinner, for i had no more cash on me. it seemed as though everyone but me considered the night a double date. weird.

so, monday and tuesDAY were GREAT. tues night, my ex called me and told me that she "had someone special in her life." our situation is a little hard to explain, but her calling and telling me this was WAY out of line. here is an excerpt from an email i wrote to her today that will describe the situation:

"no matter how you rationalized yourself in telling me that you "have someone special in your life," i don't buy it. i know what you were thinking: i want to tell her to see her reaction and let her know that i'm not sweating her anymore...and i know that's wrong...so if she gets pissed and asks me why i told her that i can simply cover it up by acting like i truly did not know that it would make her feel that way. i can just say that i wanted to hurry up and get to the "friend" point in our relationship.

just before you tell someone something like that, you get this rush of adrenaline to see how they react. i just hate to think that you could think of nothing but the rush. you gotta start thinking of my feelings. if you care so much about me...that should not have come out of your mouth.

...(more stuff here)

so, all i can say now is that it is going to take some time...some serious time. my self worth is so much higher than you have been treating me lately, and i simply choose not to subject myself to being treated like this.

please do not call me.

harsh? maybe...but warranted. there is much more that i will not share on here....

in the midst of this hell, i went to the bisexuals meeting. it was GREAT. the girls there were able clarify, in words, some of my complex thoughts that i haven't ever seen with such clarity. i love it when this happens. i plan on going back on aug. 6th for another meeting.

wednesday night, i talked to kate quite a bit. in my life, not many people have been able to tell me things about myself that i didn't already accept/know. but kate...boy did she hit it on the head. she told me that i just needed to admit that i was a lesbian. she went on to say that every time i call myself bisexual something in her does not sit right. haha....basically, i realized that i am not being fair to guys by telling them that i'm bisexual. most guys take this as their having a 50% chance, when dealing with me, this is more like a 0.1 % chance. labels are shit, but its getting to the point where i would probably call myself a lesbian before bisexual. technically, i do still like guys....but so few that bisexual doesn't seem to fit me. so here: i like girls 99.9% more than boys. what do you call me?

last night i went on a date :). GO ME!! yesterday, work was very exciting. the girl i work with, linda, is a lesbian. there was some talk about "gay" stuff...and then right before i left, she asked if i would be interested in going to this gay club on friday night...(not this friday for she is outta town). so...i said yea and to just give me a call. she said that she had my cell # from when i called her before. so, i came home and took a nap....woke up and decided to call her to see if she'd be interested in getting a bite to eat after a meeting she had w/work. she called me and said that she had plans with a friend that was in town from arizona, but that i was more than welcome to join her. so i did. we ate at boston beer works and followed that with a few games of pool at boston billiard's club. completely innocent night...which was NICE. i am really into her. but there are a lot of things that need to be clarified in our relationship. for example, i am leaving in one month. we'll see what comes. i plan on calling her today to tell her what a great time i had.

i'm really tired of writing. there is so much more to be said, but my hands hurt from typing. i will continue some other time.