i was in tears saturday night on the way to connections.

my mom told me that my brother was involved in another incident at his rehab/school.

he called and told her about a few of the group members going down to the shed that houses the lawn mowers and sniffed the gasoline. BUT that he had nothing to do with it. then a couple days later my mom talked to mr. ray, and he said that brian was the one responsible for locking the shed that night. the whole ordeal had been planned out and my brother, while he didn't actually sniff, did not lock the shed and was thus involved.

so my brother's situation can be analyzed many ways:

he is still manipulative-obviously.
he still needs crazy acceptance from peers.
he is still not trustworthy.

but i still miss him...

i miss a lot these days. missing things is a recurring theme in my entries.

i miss boston. if i could be anywhere right now, i would chose to be sitting alone at the christian science complex. sitting there taking up so little space amongst the tall buildings that make up boston's amazing skyline. the water on my right creating the illusion that the buildings are floating. how miraculous. how miraculous the feeling i have when sitting there. the one place that i am able to put my life into perspective.

looking up at the buildings feeling completely overcome by their power. i find such comfort in being so small...in being a commoner.

it is times like these that i yearn to be just another person in the crowd.

...sewanee does not allow this.

i have let a lot of things go by without being done lately. i'm not sure why i can't accomplish these things, b/c they are making like life feel like a disordered mess. i plan on conquering some of these things tonight.

my mom is coming in town for family weekend on friday. we are going to do habitat for humanity stuff, eat dinner, and go to mine and ros' first radio show of the year (friday from 7-8, they cut our last hour). saturday we are going to take a trip w/ros to chattanooga to pay for her wedding dress. then i have no plans for the weekend. i doubt the crew will be going to connections, but if they do i will be tempted to go.

looks like i have forgotten that its only wednesday. i am ready for the weekend.

a long week with a lot of things going on....

one thing should be noted. i am sexual again.

....that is all for now

i do not usually remember my dreams, but i remember several from last night.

one was very disturbing. it took place at my mom's house, but my dad was there. i understood that they were divorced; however, he still lived there. we had just gotten a new pet--some sort of macho-lizard. my mom and i went upstairs to test its patience. i pissed it off to see if it would bite us. i got so scared that i ran to the other room and climbed on a table. i remember calling to my mom to tell her to come. she didn't come. i figured that she had it under control. after a bit, i walked back in the room to find my mom laying on the little trampoline. i asked her what happened, but she didn't answer me. i sat down next to her to see that she was struggling to talk. i did not notice any physical problems--no blood, bite marks, etc. i asked her if i needed to call 911...i remember thinking that even if she needed an ambulance, she would not tell me. i don't know why i thought this...maybe because she is always the type to put up a fascade that everything is ok. i ran downstairs to get my dad who was sitting on the couch watching tv. i told him to go watch her while i called 911. he was reluctant for some time, then he finally got up to help. i called 911 and told them what happened. i remember that she had to get all this info out of me before they could send the ambulance--in this time of sheer emergency. i was pissed. the operator put me on hold so i ran upstairs to see what was going on w/mom. as i got to the top of the steps, i saw my dad walk by the doorway--pacing. i asked him what was going on...i asked him if mom had died. he said yes. i walked into the room where my mom's body was and freaked out at the sight of it. she was motionless. i woke up.

BAD night last night w/rachel. eeeeeeeks.

i think i am asexual now.

i think that the biggest turn-off for me is people who are not responsible. rachel told me just now that she didn't get in till 8 am and missed her 8 oclock class. then she woke up at 10 till 11 and brushed her teeth and walked out the door for her 11 oclock class. she was in such bad shape that her professor asked her if she'd had a rough night.

oh. my. turn. off.

i just made myself the best cup of coffee. and as chris said earlier this morning, there's something about drinking your coffee out of a real mug-not a to-go cup. i must agree.

chris came by this morning while i was sleeping to get his glasses. b/c of this i have had a nice relaxing morning before class. i should do this more often.

well, rachel is coming tonight. she will be here around 5 and i have NO idea what we are going to do. i'd really like to have a party in my room, but its too damn small.

ros and i talked for a long time last night after the wuts (radio show) meeting. i miss her tremendously. can't believe that she isn't just on the other side of my door. being her maid of honor is such an honor--even though she's putting me in pink.

"what is going on with us," she asks...

"what do you mean?"

"i mean, what are we doing?"

(silence)

"you are being silent"

"well, yeah, i don't know how to answer"

--a DTR (determining the relationship talk) this fast? oh my!!! i remember why i called it off last semester. at least it is now understood that i don't know what i am capable of having, what i want, or what is going on. simply, i am confused. as is she.

at least we are on the same page.

i answered petya's first interview question...check it out.

i just want to cuddle.

i've been reading through old entries a lot lately, and its odd how themes show up at the same time of the year. this time last year i was yearning for affection--must be something about the huge change from boston to sewanee. perhaps b/c chattanooga reminds me of my ex. i really do miss what we had, but i don't think that i'm capable of a relationship right now...

yet, i end this entry with my phone in hand to call rachel.