the nightguard (for grinding teeth) that i've been using for 15 days or so has a hole in it. already. damn.

much better day today--mostly b/c of the past few hours with chris.

we had the brilliant idea of making virgin daquiris while we study/talk (needed to break in the new blender). we blended it some and decided that we should shake some of the solid ice down to the bottom. before i shake it, chris coaches me by telling me that i should hold the top on tightly. so i'm worried with the top while i'm shaking it and on the second shake (according to chris) the bottom falls off. daquiri goes flopping out all over my futon and rug. in retrospect, chris said that i kept shaking it after the bottom popped off, not realizing what had happened. i tipped the blender upside down so that the rest of the strawberry goodness would not fall out. when i got into the bathroom, the top popped off and the rest of the liquid spilled to the ground.

it all happened so fast. such a huge mess in such a short period of time. many many healthy laughs...daquiri's--what a brilliant idea.

this quote that linda has in her car has been running through my mind already this morning:

"do what you like and like what you do"

sounds like a good idea to me....

got an email from my sister today. she wants me to head out to cali for spring break to visit her. i think i might just consider doing that...i could use some warm weather--it has been freezing here.

i did some latin homework tonight--the first time i have completed an assignment so far this semester. it feels astonishingly good. perhaps the reward i feel right now will encourage my completing more assignments this week.

i fell asleep while meditating last night. i'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing--probably bad b/c i will begin to make a habit out of it. meditation's goal is to catalyze positive thinking time. this can only occur when awake. i will try to stay awake tonight when i do it. otherwise, things are steady.

still haven't managed to find that motivation from the last post...beginning to think that it has nothing to do with the weather.

i had an appointment with my psychologist friday afternoon. we determined that i am on the brink of a depression and some ways to intervene. some of those ways: mindfulness meditation tapes, cognitive behavioral therapy (snapping rubberband on my wrist when certain thoughts run through my head), bike more often, etc.

saw rachael at the club last night (i cancelled the date due to the "linda conflict"). i explained the situation in my life as me having too much going on to get into anything or anyone seriously. she doesn't understand fully, but i will continue to explain it to her.

there are some other pretty major things going on, but i have no desire to make an attempt at typing them out..maybe some other time.

it is a nasty day today. the fog has set in, rain is dripping from the sky, and i have no motivation to do anything but lay in bed and watch movies...

i need to find some motivation.

about the conversation that i had with a professor tonight at dinner:

berrysm0 (10:46:05 PM): the main thing that hit me...
BadassJumper (10:46:21 PM): i'm here for you girl
berrysm0 (10:46:27 PM): was that i referred to our thing as a relationship and corrected myself by saying "BUT its not a relationship"
berrysm0 (10:46:46 PM): she let me finish what i was saying then went back to that.
berrysm0 (10:46:52 PM): and told me that we were in a relationship
berrysm0 (10:46:59 PM): although it may not be called a relationship
BadassJumper (10:47:00 PM): cause it sin't, i think that both of you two have to much going on right now to get into a relationship
BadassJumper (10:47:07 PM): true i guess
BadassJumper (10:47:15 PM): i take that back it is a relationship
berrysm0 (10:47:19 PM): yeah...it is.
berrysm0 (10:47:24 PM): that startled me...
berrysm0 (10:47:29 PM): linda asked me why
BadassJumper (10:47:35 PM): how
BadassJumper (10:47:36 PM): ???
berrysm0 (10:47:38 PM): well actually i told linda that...
berrysm0 (10:47:49 PM): and there was a long pause
BadassJumper (10:48:04 PM): what didyou tell her
berrysm0 (10:48:14 PM): then she asked me how i felt about it
BadassJumper (10:48:24 PM): what did you say???
berrysm0 (10:48:37 PM): and i said that it startled me. she asked why and i said b/c it was one of those truths...that sounds scary
berrysm0 (10:49:04 PM): then a long puase and i asked linda how that made her feel
BadassJumper (10:49:04 PM): and???
berrysm0 (10:49:10 PM): she said that she thought it was true...
berrysm0 (10:49:20 PM): but she didn't know how she felt about that
berrysm0 (10:49:32 PM): i told her how i felt about it....
BadassJumper (10:49:41 PM): i don't even know where to stat or how to help you, respond to this
berrysm0 (10:49:49 PM): that i felt rediculous for not realizing it before sid told me
berrysm0 (10:50:01 PM): and i was like..."how could i not have realized it?"
berrysm0 (10:50:15 PM): linda said, "b/c i keep telling you that i can't be in a relationship right now"

i have been furiously trying to process the end of my break. while nothing is really clear in my head, i can say these things:

my brother's wilderness skills were amazing. he seems to be doing good. i will come out to him the next time i see him. he is now at a therapeutic boarding school about an hour from me.

atlanta was a blast. i believe there were three ocassions in which chris and i were not laughing--those of course being while we were asleep.

spending time with linda was amazing. she told me that she can see herself falling for me--if she only had her heart to give me. she tells me that she has just gotten her heart back from another girl. there have been many low-key, sweet, and mesmorizing conversations with her late at night. she tells me that she would love my warm body in bed with her. and i would like the same...

i am talking to "tan girl" (rachael) from connections on a daily basis. we exchanged numbers and are going on a date saturday night. this is conflicting in my head with the linda situation. i am talking to a professor/friend tonight over dinner as to how i should deal with this. the reason that linda and i aren't together is because i need to date others; yet, i feel bad not giving rachael my all. i can't give her my all...my all is into linda.

i am falling in love with linda and i am excited about the ride...