long time

so i am a little disappointed with myself for taking such a long break from journaling on blogger. i have been journaling in the meantime...just in random places.

as i look back through many of these entries i realize how much more simple life is now--and for that i am thankful.

the last post was about a relationship that ended about two months ago. overall, a relationship in which i lost myself. since, i have moved to atlanta, gotten into a phd program and gotten a new job.

i am dating a couple of girls now. i had the revelation that in order to find the right girl for my next relationship i need to date around, casually.

please comment if i still have any readers out there....

intensely falling...

i met her in early january when i met up with a friend for coffee. she tagged along. i burnt her cds that she wanted.

conversation between the two of us took flight. i left the night wondering if she felt it too....

i mention to friends as i plan my move to boston that there is only one girl in this city that i could see myself with. its her.

a month later...i see her at the bar. she comes over to talk to me. we dance. she asks me for my number. we text later that night and the next day. i see her at the bar again that night. we dance briefly.

the next day is filled with texts. she is working on her house....i am busy with out of town friends. we make plans to go out on monday night.

monday night is amazing. we go to stone cup, then her friend's IM basketball game, ending up at her place and then mine. conversation amazed me the entire night. at the basketball game, it was irrelevant that there was even a game in progress. we got deep. i began to realize what this could be.

she spent the night.

i went to her fire hall the next day to hang out with her at work. the day after, she came to my work to visit with a client that is obsessed with firefighters and took me to lunch. the following day, she went with me to birmingham for my heart doctor appointment.

i have spent the past 8 days amazed that this is out there. amazed, excited, and at complete peace.

i think that i have found it....

....her.

alive

i went to lunch today with a group of our consultants from work. we got on the subject of making lists....it started as a list of the top 5 men that they (of course i had little input) would get with. then we quickly moved to life lists. a life list is a list of things that you want to do with your life....

i started thinking about how appropriate it was that we were having this conversation. lately i have been constantly realizing things that i want to do with my life.

my list for now:

get my masters
get my bcba (board certified behavior analyst)
be a good maid of honor for my sister
go to boston on vacation again
read three books
work out three times a week
come out to my father (formally)
finish programming my ipod
do something meaningful for my friends (for no reason other than appreciation)

fires again

why try to be a campfire in someone's life if they are a house fire in yours?

no reason.

sometimes it is best to let the house burn down. then happiness again.

relief.

house fire

i am being that house fire...

not what i wanted. need to get myself back to the campfire in people's lives asap.

pulse - a. difranco

this song was the first to play on our flight home. ironic...


you crawled into my bed that night
like some sort of giant insect
and i found myself spellbound
at the sight of you,
beautiful and grotesque and all the rest of that bug stuff
bluffing your way into my mouth
behind my teeth, reaching for my scars-
that night we got kicked out of two bars
and laughed our way home

that night you leaned over
and threw up into your hair
and i held you there, thinking-
i would offer you my.....pulse
if i thought it would be useful
i would give you my breath,
except,
the problem with death
is that we have some hundred years
and then they can build buildings on our only bones
100 years, and then your grave is not your own
and we lie in out beds, and our graves
unable to save ourselves
from the quaint tragedies we invent- and undo,
from the stupid circumstances we slalom through

and i realized that night that the hall light,
which seemed so bright when you turned it on,
is nothing-
compared to the dawn
which is nothing-
compared to the light
which seeps from you while you're sleeping,
cocooned in my room-
beautiful and grotesque,
resting

that night we got kicked out of two bars
and laughed our way home

i thought-
i would offer you my pulse,
i would give you my breath
i would offer you my pulse,
i would give you my breath

flashbacks

i thought that those ten steps would lead to the beginning of my coping. a long journey through coping with the loss of a best friend. my soul friend. the person with whom i am destined to have in my life.

flashbacks

we walk down the street. him just off the sidewalk in the road...me on the sidewalk. he begins talking to me in spanish. i remind him that i cannot speak spanish. he doesn't care and insists that i listen. focus. focus on the words and possible cognates. he speaks too fast. i hear the reving of an engine. turn. look. a cab. i tell him "no. no. no. no. no." in a spanish accent. i turn. i think the cab is going to move into the other lane and pass on by. my eyes follow along the cab's path. he enters my sight. "NOOO" the cab hits him from behind.

silence.

stunned.

"its hulon!" i see corinne running back with a horrified look on her face. i react....running to his side. i knell down beside him and begin talking to him. "he's breathing." i tell him to come back to me. that he has to stay with me. i talk him through his breaths. i tell him i love him.

he opens his eyes. sirens fill the air.

chaos.

the chaos ends when i get in the cab.

i run to the door of the hospital following him. they are running. i follow. i breeze right by security. they yell at me to get out that i am not allowed back.

i cry. and lean into my friends' arms.

the flashbacks were bad at first....one every minute i'd say. now they happen about three times a day.

hopefully there is a finite number that i must endure before they will stop. they intoxicate me. i feel everything as if it is happening over again. every cell in my body is consumed as if it is happening again.

i am ready for them to end

boston

will be seeing this soon. and so very in need of it....