life can be so many things.

in boston, life can be filled with slow walks with linda around the christian science complex, a ride down storrow drive under the "reverse the curse" sign alongside the thames till you see the doubletree, watching people ride rollerblade or bike by your car while you wait on the light to change, fast flowing lines at anna's taquiria waiting for that chicken super burrito, waking up twenty minutes early to ride through davis square on the way to work, being excited for the chance to see a crush as you walk through the mall to work, "squishy cubes in coconut milk" for dessert at dok bua's, making trips to the laundromat and realizing that you don't have enough quarters, going to "joe's liquor" with the imitation cristal bottles in the windows to buy a six of sam light, leaving "joe's" with a six in hand and quarters destined for the washer in your pocket, going to diesel cafe to lust over the hot women that make your coffee, getting stuck in red sox traffic for hours only to be mad at yourself for not realizing there was a game, thinking about how your red sox devotion needs to be rekindled, but loving the red sox anyways, and finally walking into your second floor apartment so happy to find your roomates hanging out in the living room with beers in hand.

i just visited boston in my mind....
i am whole there.

confessional post:

okay, okay. i do it sometimes. i stereotype.

ethan and i were at o'charley's in chattanooga today and we had a great waitress. i had my gay-straight alliance coming out day t-shirt on and i have to say that from the moment i saw our waitress, i was hoping that she wouldn't notice my shirt.

she was a middle-class, older, southern, family values kind of woman.

as she took our drink orders, she leaned over to read my shirt. as she did this, i was thinking to myself, "she doesn't know what she's getting herself into here." she read it out loud and looked at me. i had no idea what to say, so i said, "yeah, we go to sewanee." what a lame remark huh? obviously she was going to be more interested/taken back by the whole "gay-straight alliance" part. i couldn't handle the silence though, so i said the first thing that came to my head.

she fumbled around her apron's collar and pointed to a rainbow pin with a dove. she said, "we come in all ages, shapes, and sizes."

after she left the table, ethan and i about fell on the floor in disbelief. as she took our check, she told us to send the ladies her way because she's been needing a girlfriend.

how nice to have stereotypes overturned. :)

last night was overdue.

rosilyn, mitch, chris, ethan, and i went to a club in chattanooga. we met momma charles there and had a WONDERFUL time. there were many very hot lesbians there, one that i eyed till she came and talked to me ;)

she was amazingly hot. the lesbian hot. i would venture to say that she was nearly boston hot. she asked me if i wanted to dance, and i said yes (of course). i caught her eyeing some other girl on the dance floor, so i backed off.

i would say that loyalty is important for me from the very jump. i continued eyeing her, and probably would have kissed her regardless...but only because its been A WHILE. a very long while since i've kissed a girl that was so attractive. damn.

anyways. rosilyn had a fucking blast. she is so much fun. she danced her ass off and loved momma charles. we were all real sexual on the dance floor. i can't wait till we go back. just an all around stellar night.

i handed ethan my keys when we got inside the club b/c they wouldn't fit right in my pocket. ethan ended up getting a ride back to sewanee with someone with my keys in his pocket. we were stranded.

a guy that we danced with, jonathan, offered to bring us all the way back to sewanee for a little gas money. he was great. upon getting back to sewanee at like 4.30, he offered to read mine and mitch's cards. he could tell that i have visions. it was weird. no one has ever been able to tell.

anyhow, i'm off to retrieve my car from the images parking lot.

i miss this girl (and boston, in general):

priya: i don't know. i'm a big chicken. i'll probably just end up ignorning her tomorrow
priya: and feeling like an ass
me: hahah
me: well see that blows
me: you'll be feeling like an ass and she'll be wishing she could feel your ass
me: hahahaha
priya: hahaha
priya: oh my
priya: that is too much ass
me: haha
me: exactly
me: you're not gay men....so much ass shouldn't be involved
priya: lol

why is it that the time when i feel most compelled to journal is when i'm driving? i mean really...the least practical time to write down thoughts.

lots of deep ones on the way back to sewanee today.

(2 minutes later)

AND. i can't remember a single one because i'm so tired. i need to get a tape recorder or something so that i can journal while i drive.

damn it.

i am at the women's center alone tonight. all of the girls have gone home for fall break. its nice to be alone with no one's thoughts interfering with mine.

i think i will go home tomorrow because lonliness is setting in fast.

if you are or have been a student at sewanee, you know that we love panel discussions. i enjoy them, yes. i like to be all academic, a scholar might you...but. there are some issues in which is is nearly impossible to separate the personal from the political.

today we had a panel discussion on "the ethical issues of homosexuality." the panel was composed of male, heterosexual professors. i have trouble thinking that one person left the discussion with altered views on the ethics of homosexuality. there was no personal account of what it is like to be homosexual. therefore, no one was moved to reconsider his/her notions. homosexuality was this looming idea that was addressed as if it was a blanket covering the room. i dare to say that it was suffocating the room. everyone seemed more and more anxious as the panel progressed.

the pervasiveness of homophobia was never truly realized.

when i was 15 years old i woke up one morning fully aware that my first lesbian kiss was going to happen that night. i thought to myself:

"i can't kiss her. i can't kiss this girl that i love so dearly."

why couldn't i kiss her? isn't it a normal desire--to physically show someone how much you care for them?

"if i kiss her, i will have to live everyday of the rest of my life knowing that i am going to hell"

"do i really want to screw this up?"

"i could wake up tomorrow and decide that i don't want to be gay."

"and...i will have messed it up. i will have messed up my chances of getting into heaven."

...i kissed the girl that night. and it was amazing. i decided that if hell was filled with girls that liked to kiss girls then that was where i wanted to be.

now, it is important to realize that my community's views on homosexuality catalyzed these thoughts.

i kissed a girl believing that it would cause my eternity to be spent in hell. this is the pervasiveness of homophobia. this is the pervasiveness of the institution that we call religion.

gene robinson's approval as a bishop in the episcopalian church gives me hope that i can one day resort back to the religion that i had to abandon a few years ago.

i wish that i could have shared my story with the people present at the panel discussion.

notions would have been reconsidered. minds would have been influenced.

i haven't been writing much lately and its because i do not feel very compelled to write.

it is 7.23 AM--about an hour and a half before my knee surgery. i am scared shitless of the epidural. a shot and catheder (spell?) in my back?! ouch. i am pretty excited bout watching the procedure though. i will come back with all sorts of cool stories i'm sure.

i was in the library today and i very unfortunately overheard a girl say:

"i am going to go to clinical grad school in a couple years. i want to be a counselor in a high school....BUT i don't want it to be a public high school. you know, i want to counsel kids that are gonna go somewhere--like at a private school. i want to know that the work that i'm doing is helping people go somewhere in life."

OH MY GOODNESS!! do i really go to school with people who say things like this? i mean..i want to know that my work is helping people go somewhere in life too, but i think that is much moreso the case when working with underprivilaged kids in inner-city schools.

i wanted to smack her. then i realized that she was probably not someone that would be good working in public schools, for she is a rich SNOB! so i remained in my seat.

yes, you are sensing correctly. i am very sick of sewanee right now. i got a message from linda today and called corinne. now ryan is im'ing me and i have boston on my mind. i really really really wish that i could have a glimpse of that boston skyline...