i must admit, i dealy miss writing. i have been at school for a week now, and i have yet to discover a good time to sit down and journal. so. i'm doing it now. when i should be studying for my first latin quiz that's tomorrow. oh well. i figure i'll just go to bed later. see i have this sort of issue right now with my ex. we have been talking for about a three weeks now after a summer of complete disconnection (my decision).

so the problem is: i have come to this realization that i want to be w/her--in the long run. now this sucks b/c at the same time i know that i am not ready to get into the commited relationship that it would be...and i know that she has not gone through all the changes that she needs to before i can be with her (this is not harsh...she knows it too). the catch: she has a gf. so i'm feeling all these strong emotions and i feel wrong for expressing them. now you know about my jealousy issues if you've read the rest of my entries. can you imagine what i'm going through right now? and this is the girl that i am madly in love with. i know she feels the same. its just a bad situation.

anyways, the reason i feel so strongly about writing tonight is that she went out of town today. she told me that she was going to see her best friend, jonathan, but i have so little trust in her. i assume that she has gone to see her gf (who is now at college in some nearby town). she told me today that she wasn't going to be able to call me. this makes me suspect even more. i want to believe that she is a jon's. hopefully she will end up calling me and i will be at ease.

she is coming here in about a week to visit. should be interesting....but at the same time, i hurt because she will not break up w/her gf, although things are shitty b/w them, to spend a nice quality week with me (if you see what i'm saying). i dunno. i just don't know what to think/feel.

linda and i have kept in touch thus far. she called tonight, which was good b/c of my not being able to talk to my ex and my thoughts' tendancy to be the death of me. i realized how much i truly miss linda. we talked for a half hour or so and planned a trip for me to go see her and her to come see me. linda is someone that i honestly see myself with before i go back to my ex. perhaps next summer will be good timing for the two of us :).

i need a relationship with someone like linda--mature, experienced, and just plain wise. like i said before: i'm interested to see what comes of us...

now i must study. it is nearly 11 and i have five chapters of hard latin to relearn from last year. ugh. till next time (which hopefully won't be too far in the future)...