tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35980802011-04-27T12:54:59.142-04:00InstantKarmathe sexuality and rediscovery of a 25 year old female...Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.comBlogger3001100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-39158988945906645532007-04-20T18:50:00.000-04:002007-04-20T18:57:18.690-04:00long timeso i am a little disappointed with myself for taking such a long break from journaling on blogger. i have been journaling in the meantime...just in random places.as i look back through many of these entries i realize how much more simple life is now--and for that i am thankful.the last post was about a relationship that ended about two months ago. overall, a relationship in which i lost myself. Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1141092645656693392006-02-27T20:59:00.000-05:002006-02-27T21:10:45.670-05:00intensely falling...i met her in early january when i met up with a friend for coffee. she tagged along. i burnt her cds that she wanted.conversation between the two of us took flight. i left the night wondering if she felt it too....i mention to friends as i plan my move to boston that there is only one girl in this city that i could see myself with. its her.a month later...i see her at the bar. she comes over to Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com102tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1136935455303173862006-01-10T18:03:00.000-05:002006-01-10T18:24:15.320-05:00alivei went to lunch today with a group of our consultants from work. we got on the subject of making lists....it started as a list of the top 5 men that they (of course i had little input) would get with. then we quickly moved to life lists. a life list is a list of things that you want to do with your life....i started thinking about how appropriate it was that we were having this conversation. Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1136851716637915412006-01-09T19:06:00.000-05:002006-01-09T19:08:36.646-05:00fires againwhy try to be a campfire in someone's life if they are a house fire in yours?no reason.sometimes it is best to let the house burn down. then happiness again.relief.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1132272204545808512005-11-17T19:02:00.000-05:002005-11-17T19:03:24.556-05:00house firei am being that house fire...not what i wanted. need to get myself back to the campfire in people's lives asap.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1130371073862513872005-10-26T19:47:00.000-04:002005-10-26T19:57:53.873-04:00pulse - a. difrancothis song was the first to play on our flight home. ironic...you crawled into my bed that nightlike some sort of giant insectand i found myself spellboundat the sight of you,beautiful and grotesque and all the rest of that bug stuffbluffing your way into my mouthbehind my teeth, reaching for my scars-that night we got kicked out of two barsand laughed our way homethat night you leaned overand Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1130369871975784632005-10-26T18:47:00.000-04:002005-10-26T19:59:50.173-04:00flashbacksi thought that those ten steps would lead to the beginning of my coping. a long journey through coping with the loss of a best friend. my soul friend. the person with whom i am destined to have in my life.flashbackswe walk down the street. him just off the sidewalk in the road...me on the sidewalk. he begins talking to me in spanish. i remind him that i cannot speak spanish. he doesn't care and Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1129600219679031922005-10-17T21:44:00.000-04:002005-10-17T21:50:19.686-04:00bostonwill be seeing this soon. and so very in need of it....Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1127961293138589502005-09-28T22:15:00.000-04:002005-09-28T22:34:53.146-04:00defeatedi had an emotional breakdown today. the worst in a long time.i had a great day at work only to be called by sarah soon thereafter in need of money. it ends up that her husband put his entire paycheck this week toward paying back the boss for his bail. bail to get him out of jail after he covered for my brother's shit. so sarah had to pay her car payment today, which they did not have because Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1127873730569757732005-09-27T22:11:00.000-04:002005-09-27T22:15:30.570-04:00angerso i just journaled like a minute ago and i'm still overwhelmed with emotions.ANGER!my environment is a complete disaster. i feel nothing but stress from everything in my life...and...i have done nothing to make it that way. yet...i have to come up with creative ways to make it less stressful.tears.how can he fucking resort back to drugs. after all that he has accomplished without them...i am Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1127873454759611052005-09-27T21:54:00.000-04:002005-09-27T22:34:27.986-04:00frustratedeverything is fucking frustrating me....one person is pulling me in one directionanother person is pulling me the other direction.i am spread thin. i have nothing to give anyone right nowbecause my own personal situation is killing me.why can't everyone understand that i have nothingto give of myself right now.why does everyone keep asking?....i have tried everything to recenter.i need a Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1127703160423052952005-09-25T22:52:00.000-04:002005-09-25T22:52:40.430-04:00seems that i have allowed myself to enter a deep denial of the situation. i have completely detached and need to come back to reality....my parents are on their way tomorrow to randomly drug test my brother. we suspect that he is in them deep as his personality has completed changed over the past month. drugs were found in his car last weekend and other people's lives are being effected by his Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1127360565198655332005-09-21T23:40:00.000-04:002005-09-21T23:42:45.203-04:00addictionsthe bro is in trouble again....i can hardly bare to think about it much less put it into word form....will do some serious therapy-journaling when i can.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1126395092643660422005-09-10T19:29:00.000-04:002005-09-10T19:31:32.650-04:00sewaneeansaimee, sam, and david are coming down tonight....a crazy night will ensue.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1125457980657622182005-08-30T23:10:00.000-04:002005-08-30T23:13:00.663-04:00corinneso remember corinne from the second summer in boston? well she called me tonight. we talked for about 45 minutes. we always had the best conversations....i miss hershe said whenever i plan on coming to boston again just to give her a call...that i have a place to stay. how nice :)made my night.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1125266272089399532005-08-28T17:36:00.000-04:002005-08-28T17:57:52.093-04:00quotesi love my past. i love my present. i'm not ashamed of what i've had, and i'm not sad because i have it no longer.--coletteamazing how so few words can organize such a whirlwind of thoughts...Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1124844474044953452005-08-23T20:30:00.000-04:002005-08-23T20:47:54.050-04:00moving oni feel as though the new phase has begun...meeting new peoplefilled a new jobputting the past in placefirst..i have been meeting new interests over the past two weeks or so. i've gotten very good at figuring out if there is a possibility for anything long-term. i am perfectly happy with my life in a single state. i'm just having a lot of fun.plus the new job is taking up enough of my energy. the Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1123638053864603062005-08-09T21:40:00.000-04:002005-08-09T21:40:53.870-04:00the end...just another beginningit has been a long time and that is mostly because my computer has fizzled. okay, in actuality it is because i have been very irritable with the things that i need to journal about. so...i have done exactly what i shouldn't have and repressed those thoughts. well here they come...just a warning.first ending/beginning: so frustrated with the relationship that i was in but wasn't in. i got tired ofStaceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1113355742790728252005-04-12T21:19:00.000-04:002005-04-12T21:29:02.793-04:00losti am lost. to the point of tears.lost in what is going on with us. lost in knowing what she wants.the only clarity lies in how i feel when i'm around her. something that should not be scary, but is because of the purgatorial state of our relationship.i fear being hurt......still lostStaceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1110309838278964652005-03-08T14:13:00.000-05:002005-03-08T14:23:58.280-05:00long timehas it really been two months since i last journaled?so much has happened yet i feel nothing has moved. i am in need of a change. something. anything. i feel that my life has become a little stagnate and need to find an outlet.all this probably has to do with me recovering from the flu. i have been in my apt for the past three days with nothing to do but think.thinking can be dangerous for me.i Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1107139062124804272005-01-30T19:01:00.000-05:002005-01-30T21:37:42.123-05:00broken"i wanted you to know i love the way you laugh
i wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
i keep your photograph and i know it serves me well
i wanna hold you high and steal your pain
'cause i'm broken when i'm lonesome
and i don't feel right when you're gone away"
Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1105934148713804122005-01-16T22:51:00.000-05:002005-01-16T22:55:48.713-05:00sundayit is around 11:00 on sunday night,
and i am excited about going to bed,
falling asleep with harmony-scented incense,
and waking up tomorrow morning to go to work.
i am excited about work each day this week,
excited about hanging out with new friends,
and excited about what lies beyond next sunday.
Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1105322259915983742005-01-09T20:56:00.000-05:002005-01-09T20:57:39.916-05:00...missing her.
Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1105241171061739792005-01-08T22:24:00.000-05:002005-01-08T22:26:11.060-05:00refreshedhow i love the way...
it feels when i work out
Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1105067894153162282005-01-06T21:23:00.000-05:002005-01-06T22:18:14.166-05:00the meaningwhen i started this journal, i remember posting about how my life seemed to have lost its depth. what is the meaning of my being here; what is the meaning of our being here....
i feel similar to that now. i want to start a quoteboard with my favorite quotes to help me remember my purpose and realize the most efficient way of achieving it. the board will be a craft that i work on week to week. Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1104905510524438842005-01-05T01:07:00.000-05:002005-01-05T01:11:50.523-05:00new year, new leafi feel good. its a new year, there is:
no college
furnished apt
real job
magnificent friends
in-the-know parents
a boston skyline
and patience in getting there
all is well here.
Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1104530990467926542004-12-31T17:06:00.000-05:002004-12-31T17:09:50.466-05:00i am walking in your shoes
for just a mile or two
my heals are all torn
but i will dig them in for you
i feel the pain you've known
and the seeds of hate you've sown
they're scattered on the grownd and i can barely step around
insanity and pain
the things you will not name
growing in the feilds
spinning with the wheels
and wind of time and whimsy
your excuses and your flimsy lies
i'm running Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1101669180179183172004-11-28T14:04:00.001-05:002004-11-28T14:13:00.180-05:00i've been journaling in my written journal a lot lately. the computer's been irritating with popup after popup.
a lot has been going on with me. with some exclusions here it is:
brian moves in with me tomorrow. i'm super excited although this is probably my biggest stressor right now. he rocks my world and i look forward to making up the two years that we lost while he was recovering.
i feel Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1101669180105552532004-11-28T14:04:00.000-05:002004-11-28T14:13:00.106-05:00i've been journaling in my written journal a lot lately. the computer's been irritating with popup after popup.
a lot has been going on with me. with some exclusions here it is:
brian moves in with me tomorrow. i'm super excited although this is probably my biggest stressor right now. he rocks my world and i look forward to making up the two years that we lost while he was recovering.
i feel Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1098497661909165142004-10-22T22:06:00.000-04:002004-10-22T22:14:21.910-04:00so much going on in my world that its hard to journal. i'll give brief updates.
work. i am the physical activities instructor now. the clients change classes and seem to really like the new schedule. if i could only get more sleep at night my job would be all good. i struggle at work when i'm tired. will try to do better at getting sleep.
brother. brian comes into town on tuesday. i'm so Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1093129212790421242004-08-21T18:41:00.000-04:002004-08-21T19:00:12.790-04:00time spent alone is probably the best therapy for me. i have spent most of the past 24 hours alone analyzing everything. i figured out the things that i like best about my personality and the things that would most like to change.
the main thing that i figured out is that i'd like to focus better on conversations that i have with friends. most of the time, i get frustrated when my phone rings Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1092970767698648942004-08-19T22:46:00.000-04:002004-08-19T22:59:27.696-04:00katelen and i went on a date last night. we had great conversation at dinner, at blockbuster, and back at my apt. but most importantly we laughed nearly the whole time we were together.
we held hands while watching the movie then she went home. i like her. she knows it. she enjoys being hard to read. i'm usually good at reading people. i just can't tell w/her
i had to switch my car insurance Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1092630613374940892004-08-16T00:10:00.000-04:002004-08-16T00:30:13.373-04:00the first thing on my mind is katelen. i have a date w/her this week sometime. we have yet to make the formal arrangements. anyways, i am excited about this because i really like this girl. we have intense games of 1000 questions. why stop at 20?! i feel like i know her better than brooke already. :)
Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1092280040689779242004-08-11T22:43:00.000-04:002004-08-11T23:07:20.690-04:00seems as though every part of my life is coming up at a junction these days. i try to keep myself from becoming overwhelmed by it all.
but it is hard.
warm baths, candles, incense, soothing music, and books are helping...but pressure fills my head and decreases in the form of tears down my cheeks.
my brother leaves tomorrow for one final step in his rehabilitation process. it will be the thirdStaceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1091387511122362332004-08-01T14:49:00.000-04:002004-08-01T15:11:51.123-04:00i am feeling refreshed today.
thoughts have finally been allowed to catch up with me. the past two days have been spent resting, reading, watching movies, listening to music--all with incense burning. i seem to have lost that time that i need so badly...that time to recenter
things that are on my mind:
brooke.
she disappoints me. i disappoint myself. why aren't we talking? i feel like she Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1088177409257985542004-06-25T11:26:00.000-04:002004-06-25T11:30:09.256-04:00i am on my way to my brother's graduation today. after 18 months of rehab, he has a bit of a break. he will enroll into another program in august for three months. i am so excited to see him.
then its atlanta pride this weekend so i'm headed to chris' house tonight to prepare for a huge cookout tomorrow.
monday is knee surgery, but i can handle it.
and...i got a job. summer (post-brooke) hasStaceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1087685170368470662004-06-19T18:45:00.000-04:002004-06-19T18:46:10.366-04:00chris is here!!!!! woohoo. FUN!!Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1087439377358854422004-06-16T22:22:00.000-04:002004-06-16T22:29:37.356-04:00for some reason when i enter into relationships i lose track of myself. it sounds as though i become selfless, but that isn't accurate. i just change.
as you might have guessed, i am single again and it feels wonderful. i found out that brooke lied to me about something stupid. the lie catalyzed a mutual breakup. brooke was no good for me. so many people told me that...and i thought that it Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1082079731280997582004-04-15T21:42:00.000-04:002004-04-15T21:46:03.310-04:0030 days until my sewanee committment is over. how do i feel?
relieved. being here for four years has been extremely hard, but i survived. i have come out a much stronger person that i could have in any college that i would pick if i could choose again. i don't even feel like i will miss it here. yes, i will miss some of the people (not too many), but i'd be much more excited if i was going to Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1079525247132011582004-03-17T07:07:00.000-05:002004-03-17T07:10:40.576-05:00i am a big stressball right now. i have a half-finished paper due in three hours. i have to do a laundry list of things before spring break, including laundry, packing, signing for my diploma, taking the ferrets to brooke's house, and saying goodbye to her.
but. all is well because i have found love.
and it feels good.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1078944826871852112004-03-10T13:53:00.000-05:002004-03-10T13:56:51.606-05:00the cold weather cannot stop my life from feeling like spring.
my professor stopped me after class today to ask my personal opinion on some subjects that we talked about in class. my opinion was something that she had never thought of before. how wonderful that made me feel.
i feel like i'm back from a chaotic beginning of the semester. Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1078459608155543672004-03-04T23:06:00.000-05:002004-03-04T23:09:45.340-05:00i feel good.
ex and i have things under control. job plans for next year are under control. friend from freshman year is coming in town tomorrow. i have almost finished all my work for tomorrow. and my room is clean.
i missed this feeling.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1078258257630694112004-03-02T15:10:00.000-05:002004-03-02T15:13:51.653-05:00pain.
hurt.
love.
rage.
sadness.
fear.
to break up with someone because they have things to work on alone is possibly the hardest thing i've ever had to do.
i broke up with her sunday. i broke up with her because her problems are causing me problems. i broke up with her knowing that it might push her over the edge, and i may not ever be able to talk to her again. i broke up with her for my Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1075947501743752722004-02-04T21:18:00.000-05:002004-02-04T21:20:40.293-05:00i haven't journaled in quite some time now. not really sure why this is. i think about it often, but come to the conclusion that i just don't know what i'd sit down and write.
so...
i haven't.
a lot has gone on in the past few weeks. my gf and i have gotten into arguments, i've comped, i've moved back to sewanee for the last time, the pats won the super bowl, and i now have mono.
let me tell Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1073597572326404992004-01-08T16:32:00.000-05:002004-01-08T16:34:34.746-05:00this place makes me feel empty. my girlfriend is sick. i am stressed about comps. i have done everything that i planned to do today.
i need a change of setting...Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1072658656751774092003-12-28T19:29:00.000-05:002003-12-28T19:45:44.826-05:00so, i am home. i am not really excited about being here, but i am here for another couple weeks regardless.
i have officially reached that "i HAVE to get out of here and continue a highly prioritized lifestyle or i'm gonna go crazy" point. i am leaving early wednesday morning to go to chattanooga, where i will hook up with my gf and some of her friends. we will then drive to atlanta to be with Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1071703152269085512003-12-17T18:19:00.000-05:002003-12-17T18:20:26.043-05:00going home is always an odd sensation. this trip home feels good though. i am content in my life as it stands.
this month will be the longest that i've been home since the summer after my freshman year, and will be the longest stay for an indeterminable amount of time.
goodness. i will embrace my life without committments for the first time in only 5 months.
i could go anywhere. i could do Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1071558399225815182003-12-16T02:06:00.000-05:002003-12-16T02:07:50.873-05:00sucks when you like someone so much that you don't want to get off the phone w/them....yet you have nothing to say...
how to break the cycle...hmStaceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1070381087080936372003-12-02T11:04:00.000-05:002003-12-02T11:05:40.873-05:00from the boston globe: go priya!
APPLES AT HER CORE - Priya Khetarpal, a business student at Babson College in Wellesley, is simply mad for apples.
Khertarpal's obsession with the fruit began in a literature course she took her sophomore year where she learned about John Chapman, more commonly known as Johnny Appleseed. Inspired by Chapman's dedication to teaching apple culture and spreading Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1070316951790344122003-12-01T17:15:00.000-05:002003-12-01T17:16:44.513-05:00i haven't been journaling because i can't express my relationship with brooke in words. our connection is only done justice by seeing us together.
i'm sure that in a few days i will be able to journal about other things. until then...Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1069640511597801482003-11-23T21:21:00.000-05:002003-11-23T21:22:32.810-05:00the weekend with brooke was incredible. its going to take me a few days to process it completely.
this could be a good good thing i've happened upon...Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1069335103776112852003-11-20T08:31:00.000-05:002003-11-20T08:32:20.326-05:00woohoo. i sucked it up and asked brooke to the mountaintop ball dinner :)
she said yes.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1069158147170239492003-11-18T07:22:00.000-05:002003-11-18T07:23:01.043-05:00we talked briefly. our days were good and full. she is coming up here for the play on friday. i couldn't talk for long because i have a huge test today. we talked about the test material (freud, piaget) and hung up.
i get a text message from her about thirty minutes later, "i meant to tell you good luck tomorrow. talk to you later--brooke"
i'm being made fun of often these days, but i don't Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1069078448767427572003-11-17T09:14:00.000-05:002003-11-17T09:14:41.590-05:00i think that i am getting pink eye. of course the week that i meet someone....
brooke and i talked for a long time last night. seems like our personalities mesh well. she is probably going to be coming up here on friday for a play and dinner. if i end up going to chattanooga to do work one day this week we will probably hook up for dinner or coffee.
i need to keep myself from getting too into Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1069036976173765162003-11-16T21:42:00.000-05:002003-11-16T21:43:28.106-05:00i'm so happy. she's cute, intelligent, and likes me a lot.
what a nice birthday celebration. come what may...Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1068702834530547652003-11-13T00:53:00.000-05:002003-11-13T00:58:08.996-05:00i got a call from beth, my friend since preschool, this morning at 12.05 am. she was the first to say it---"happy birthday."
my 22nd birthday...i have turned the page on my calender 12 times since that 40 oz heineken that i bought at midnight on my 21st birthday.
i reflect a lot on my birthday. what all have i done with the past year of my life? am i proud? do i have regrets? what do i want Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1068486559732797392003-11-10T12:49:00.000-05:002003-11-10T12:49:43.076-05:00sitting here listening to toshi reagan. getting inspired to read her lyrics.
i've been using my memory a lot lately. catalyzing it through old cd's, old journal entries, and contacting veteran friends on the phone. i think that turning 22 in a couple days is forcing me to put my life into perspective.
as i was looking up toshi reagan lyrics on google, i came across this link to petya's weblog.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1068474688612819072003-11-10T09:31:00.000-05:002003-11-10T09:31:52.043-05:00written entry from yesterday:
parent support was yesterday. these days wear me out more than any other day. i miss my brother. i wish that i could trust him. he is doing good, but i wonder if he's only "doing good" so that he can get out of three springs only to fuck it up again. i fear the day he gets so badly. i don't want to have to cut ties with him. i love him too much for that.
chris andStaceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1068098638356948352003-11-06T01:03:00.000-05:002003-11-06T01:04:33.606-05:00a constant yearning tonight for the boston skyline.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1068009926642892962003-11-05T00:25:00.000-05:002003-11-05T00:25:43.250-05:00okay, so this is my horoscope for today:
Scorpio
Horoscope (by Astrocenter.com)
When your heart is gently touched, it is apt to feel loving, generous, and supportive of everyone around, dear Scorpio. If your heart is lonely, it is apt to feel deserted by everyone on Earth. It would be impossible to try to make rational sense of why things always need to be so extreme for you, but the fact ofStaceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1067960576537371552003-11-04T10:42:00.000-05:002003-11-04T10:43:12.060-05:00i is 9.30 am and i have already taken an exam and gotten four comps drafts back. i'm going to take a nap in hopes that i can start my day again without all the stress.
this is a rather achievable goal, as i just got an email that my seminar this afternoon is cancelled. :)Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1067736535196908932003-11-01T20:28:00.000-05:002003-11-01T20:29:07.496-05:00i don't normally dress up for halloween, but last night was an exception.
i became stetson, the husband of christina (chris). christina wore carmen's red dress and some wal-mart heels. i wore chris' black pants, and his red tie to match my lovely wife. i bought an oxford at wal-mart. i slicked my hair back w/some of chris' products and put it in a pony-tail.
i looked like a guy; christof lookedStaceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1067497008240224242003-10-30T01:56:00.000-05:002003-11-01T20:30:26.610-05:00life can be so many things.
in boston, life can be filled with slow walks with linda around the christian science complex, a ride down storrow drive under the "reverse the curse" sign alongside the thames till you see the doubletree, watching people ride rollerblade or bike by your car while you wait on the light to change, fast flowing lines at anna's taquiria waiting for that chicken super Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1067216509971227832003-10-26T20:01:00.000-05:002003-10-26T20:01:54.750-05:00confessional post:
okay, okay. i do it sometimes. i stereotype.
ethan and i were at o'charley's in chattanooga today and we had a great waitress. i had my gay-straight alliance coming out day t-shirt on and i have to say that from the moment i saw our waitress, i was hoping that she wouldn't notice my shirt.
she was a middle-class, older, southern, family values kind of woman.
as she took Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1067189488718012322003-10-26T12:31:00.000-05:002003-10-26T12:31:32.670-05:00last night was overdue.
rosilyn, mitch, chris, ethan, and i went to a club in chattanooga. we met momma charles there and had a WONDERFUL time. there were many very hot lesbians there, one that i eyed till she came and talked to me ;)
she was amazingly hot. the lesbian hot. i would venture to say that she was nearly boston hot. she asked me if i wanted to dance, and i said yes (of course). i Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1066956567874756332003-10-23T20:49:00.000-04:002003-10-23T20:49:39.750-04:00i miss this girl (and boston, in general):
priya: i don't know. i'm a big chicken. i'll probably just end up ignorning her tomorrow
priya: and feeling like an ass
me: hahah
me: well see that blows
me: you'll be feeling like an ass and she'll be wishing she could feel your ass
me: hahahaha
priya: hahaha
priya: oh my
priya: that is too much ass
me: haha
me: exactly
me: you're not gay men....so Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1066717828277293162003-10-21T02:30:00.000-04:002003-10-21T02:31:32.443-04:00why is it that the time when i feel most compelled to journal is when i'm driving? i mean really...the least practical time to write down thoughts.
lots of deep ones on the way back to sewanee today.
(2 minutes later)
AND. i can't remember a single one because i'm so tired. i need to get a tape recorder or something so that i can journal while i drive.
damn it.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1066447424168325662003-10-17T23:23:00.000-04:002003-10-17T23:26:52.010-04:00i am at the women's center alone tonight. all of the girls have gone home for fall break. its nice to be alone with no one's thoughts interfering with mine.
i think i will go home tomorrow because lonliness is setting in fast.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1066181651282274792003-10-14T21:34:00.000-04:002003-10-14T21:34:11.010-04:00if you are or have been a student at sewanee, you know that we love panel discussions. i enjoy them, yes. i like to be all academic, a scholar might you...but. there are some issues in which is is nearly impossible to separate the personal from the political.
today we had a panel discussion on "the ethical issues of homosexuality." the panel was composed of male, heterosexual professors. i have Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1065788625528840862003-10-10T08:23:00.000-04:002003-10-10T08:23:45.366-04:00i haven't been writing much lately and its because i do not feel very compelled to write.
it is 7.23 AM--about an hour and a half before my knee surgery. i am scared shitless of the epidural. a shot and catheder (spell?) in my back?! ouch. i am pretty excited bout watching the procedure though. i will come back with all sorts of cool stories i'm sure.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1065072006074830362003-10-02T01:20:00.000-04:002003-10-02T01:20:06.033-04:00i was in the library today and i very unfortunately overheard a girl say:
"i am going to go to clinical grad school in a couple years. i want to be a counselor in a high school....BUT i don't want it to be a public high school. you know, i want to counsel kids that are gonna go somewhere--like at a private school. i want to know that the work that i'm doing is helping people go somewhere in lifeStaceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1064294518941901622003-09-23T01:21:00.000-04:002003-09-23T01:21:58.883-04:00i was in tears saturday night on the way to connections.
my mom told me that my brother was involved in another incident at his rehab/school.
he called and told her about a few of the group members going down to the shed that houses the lawn mowers and sniffed the gasoline. BUT that he had nothing to do with it. then a couple days later my mom talked to mr. ray, and he said that brian was the Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1064208228209900862003-09-22T01:23:00.000-04:002003-09-22T01:25:15.000-04:00i miss boston. if i could be anywhere right now, i would chose to be sitting alone at the christian science complex. sitting there taking up so little space amongst the tall buildings that make up boston's amazing skyline. the water on my right creating the illusion that the buildings are floating. how miraculous. how miraculous the feeling i have when sitting there. the one place that i am able Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1063816594964133062003-09-17T12:36:00.000-04:002003-09-17T12:36:34.810-04:00i have let a lot of things go by without being done lately. i'm not sure why i can't accomplish these things, b/c they are making like life feel like a disordered mess. i plan on conquering some of these things tonight.
my mom is coming in town for family weekend on friday. we are going to do habitat for humanity stuff, eat dinner, and go to mine and ros' first radio show of the year (friday Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1063601241287067672003-09-15T00:47:00.000-04:002003-09-15T00:47:21.170-04:00a long week with a lot of things going on....
one thing should be noted. i am sexual again.
....that is all for nowStaceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1063040805847946662003-09-08T13:06:00.000-04:002003-09-08T13:06:45.850-04:00i do not usually remember my dreams, but i remember several from last night.
one was very disturbing. it took place at my mom's house, but my dad was there. i understood that they were divorced; however, he still lived there. we had just gotten a new pet--some sort of macho-lizard. my mom and i went upstairs to test its patience. i pissed it off to see if it would bite us. i got so scared that iStaceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1062898955089704332003-09-06T21:42:00.000-04:002003-09-06T21:42:35.110-04:00BAD night last night w/rachel. eeeeeeeks.
i think i am asexual now. Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1062796622948333102003-09-05T17:17:00.000-04:002003-09-05T17:17:02.953-04:00i think that the biggest turn-off for me is people who are not responsible. rachel told me just now that she didn't get in till 8 am and missed her 8 oclock class. then she woke up at 10 till 11 and brushed her teeth and walked out the door for her 11 oclock class. she was in such bad shape that her professor asked her if she'd had a rough night.
oh. my. turn. off.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1062779689606173012003-09-05T12:34:00.000-04:002003-09-05T12:34:49.540-04:00i just made myself the best cup of coffee. and as chris said earlier this morning, there's something about drinking your coffee out of a real mug-not a to-go cup. i must agree.
chris came by this morning while i was sleeping to get his glasses. b/c of this i have had a nice relaxing morning before class. i should do this more often.
well, rachel is coming tonight. she will be here around 5 andStaceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1062636639376990242003-09-03T20:50:00.000-04:002003-09-03T20:50:39.230-04:00"what is going on with us," she asks...
"what do you mean?"
"i mean, what are we doing?"
(silence)
"you are being silent"
"well, yeah, i don't know how to answer"
--a DTR (determining the relationship talk) this fast? oh my!!! i remember why i called it off last semester. at least it is now understood that i don't know what i am capable of having, what i want, or what is going on. simply, iStaceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1062506016655183042003-09-02T08:33:00.000-04:002003-09-02T08:33:36.583-04:00i answered petya's first interview question...check it out.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1062392137818508342003-09-01T00:55:00.000-04:002003-09-01T00:55:37.806-04:00i just want to cuddle.
i've been reading through old entries a lot lately, and its odd how themes show up at the same time of the year. this time last year i was yearning for affection--must be something about the huge change from boston to sewanee. perhaps b/c chattanooga reminds me of my ex. i really do miss what we had, but i don't think that i'm capable of a relationship right now...
yet, Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1062375953713281462003-08-31T20:25:00.000-04:002003-08-31T20:25:53.676-04:00i am enjoying all this time to myself. to be in charge of my day--when i eat, when i read, when i socialize, when i rest--is an amazing feeling.
i must not have been too in charge over the summer but boy does it feel good now.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1062347950870668002003-08-31T12:39:00.000-04:002003-08-31T12:39:10.756-04:00well the crew had our first night at connections last night. we got a real late jump on the night, but clubs in tn are open till 3 rather than 2 like in boston so it was all good. we still had three hours of queer. :)
rachel was there. oh yes. remember rachel? check out previous entries from jan and feb. she is referred to in there a few times. after reading some of the previous entries, i'm Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1062127440241284952003-08-28T23:24:00.000-04:002003-09-02T08:33:07.566-04:00interview game rules:
1. Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2. I will respond; i'll ask you five questions.
3. You'll update your website with my five questions, and your five answers.
4. You'll include this explanation.
5. You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed.
petya's questions for me:
1. What is the best concert you've ever seen? CarefulStaceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1062127216419382612003-08-28T23:20:00.000-04:002003-08-28T23:57:23.470-04:00while i really miss boston, i am glad to be back at sewanee. my wants are in such conflict. i want the excitement that i had this summer, yet i can't live that lifestyle (of drama). i was so thankful to be able to uproot, yet i am now in a place where people do not come out. this makes my life difficult. i see people daily that i know are questioning, but i cannot pursue. its all about accepting Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1061618192621346202003-08-23T01:56:00.000-04:002003-08-23T01:56:32.616-04:00went out with ryan, matt, tanya, and rachel tonight. we had a snack and a few beers at redbones in davis square. what great conversation....
rachel and tanya are so nice. they offered me a place to stay whenever i find myself back in boston. tonight made me realize how many great people i have met this summer. i am truly sad to leave.
but excited to go back. i just posted to the "joint blog," Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1061584291651043172003-08-22T16:31:00.000-04:002003-08-22T16:31:31.656-04:00while packing, i started wondering what was going on in my life last year so i took at look at some entries....this is one that i found (just gotten back at sewanee after the summer in boston):
linda and i have kept in touch thus far. she called tonight, which was good b/c of my not being able to talk to my ex and my thoughts' tendancy to be the death of me. i realized how much i truly miss Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1061571644501215702003-08-22T13:00:00.000-04:002003-08-22T13:00:44.513-04:00i am packing. i am overwhelmed. i am sad. i am excited.
funny how my thoughts are so choppy. i think its b/c i'm stressed and my mind can't keep a steady thought for long.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1061491739046052372003-08-21T14:48:00.000-04:002003-08-21T14:48:58.926-04:00my life is filled with sadness right now.
there is no longer a chance for linda and me.
leaving my sister yesterday was entirely too rough.
i have my last night with elena tonight.
i am leaving boston in less than 3 days.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1061265509573259812003-08-18T23:58:00.000-04:002003-08-18T23:58:29.410-04:00short boring post...
i got a new cell phone and #. if you know me well enough, leave a comment w/your email address and i will send it to you.Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1061175493877643252003-08-17T22:58:00.000-04:002003-08-17T22:58:13.693-04:00but of course, corinne calls me today. like clockwork. she knows when to call.
today was newport folk festival w/linda. we got into it last night at hollywood. i had the convo w/her. how the jess thing was too much. it affected me more than i knew. we talked about it a lot today. michelle, danielle, shorty, and marcel were all there. michelle is one cool chic. there is a chance that she will Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1061124419373700882003-08-17T08:46:00.000-04:002003-08-17T08:46:59.246-04:00so last night was another corinne bullshit night. how many are there going to have to be before i forget about her ass!?!
she was like, "so have you had a good summer? i've introduced you to a lot of people..."
to which i responded. ..."yeah"
to which she said "aren't you glad you met me?!"
and i said, (slowly) "yeah"
she said, "oh. you hesitated!!!"
i didn't deny
she said it again.
i Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1061055884222457032003-08-16T13:44:00.000-04:002003-08-16T13:44:44.106-04:00ani was amazing last night. she sang a lot of her old stuff, which made my night entirely. on top of that, she took down her dreads during the encore. mmm...
after the show, i went to corinne's house for a party. soooo many girls there. probably in the 50 person range. lots of beer too. i didn't even get there till 1.15 am. left around 3.30.
corinne was genuinly excited to see me there. she wasStaceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1060833986120173552003-08-14T00:06:00.000-04:002003-08-14T00:11:06.920-04:00more and more plans with corinne, less and less plans with linda....
this seems to be what's going on in my life outside of work. corinne has been calling me a lot lately. she came over and hung out at the apartment yesterday. she is probably gonna come have some drinks with some friends at my place before manray tomorrow, and then we have ani and kristy's party at her place on friday. saturday Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1060658061591266852003-08-11T23:14:00.000-04:002003-08-11T23:14:21.566-04:00a piece of an email to ros to update (don't feel like writing):
so much has been going on in my life.
i am scared to go back to sewanee. i'm hoping that i can handle the south and all its territory.
corinne was a total bitch to me the other night. since then, we made up and are back on good terms. but it SUCKED.
linda and i haven't seen each other for two and a half weeks. eeks. for ten Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1059786341024268392003-08-01T21:05:00.000-04:002003-08-01T21:05:40.950-04:00i went out to manray last night. saw corinne there, but wasn't worrying much with her as i met a wonderful girl. her name is sarah. she is 22 and works at a vet clinic in cambridge. she graduated from harvard with a degree in bio and something else last year. she is deferring her admission to med school for a couple years because she isn't sure that its what she wants to do with her life.
but Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1059340263101573392003-07-27T17:11:00.000-04:002003-07-27T17:11:03.103-04:00i have a day off! and i can finally write about my week.
wednesday night, priya and i went to club cafe to eat and have some drinks. when our first round came, our waiter told us that the lady at the bar was paying for it. so anyways, we figure out who this lady is (wasn't hard as she was the only lady at the bar) and are extremely confused. first of all, there were two of us. which one is she Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1059324495686274952003-07-27T12:48:00.000-04:002003-07-27T12:48:15.650-04:00although corinne is not good for me, i am intrigued and still very much into her. she was at hollywood last night. i refused to make a move to go dance with her. what's so scary about showing a girl that you're a little into her? why can't she show a little?
anyways. we're going on a date (??) tonight to see melissa ferrick. i am going to wait until i can't wait any longer to see if she calls meStaceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3598080.post-1059323796196899252003-07-27T12:36:00.000-04:002003-07-27T12:36:36.170-04:00written entry from a few days ago:
on this day 11 years ago, i had open-heart surgery. this thought, which came only as i wrote the date, makes me realize that my complaints/troubles below are petty...and i feel thankful for my life.
the situations with corinne and linda are clashing in every way imaginable. like today, i think linda is going to call me after work to see if i want to go do Staceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02012790946265347642noreply@blogger.com0